Before vs. After MS: Can We Go Back to "Normal"?

By Ashley Ringstaff

4 min read

Have you ever thought or wondered if you will ever go back to ‘normal’? Whether it is after an MS flare/exacerbation, or just your life after your diagnosis? Wondering if you will ever be what you were before all of this chaos started? I seem to think about that issue a lot. I tend to sit here and reflect on how I was before my diagnosis compared to how I am now.

Can you live a normal life with MS?

I have been asked what I would be doing now, had I not been diagnosed. And I honestly don’t know. It’s not a question that I can answer easily. I had a job interview with the local county jail coming up, and then I had a really bad exacerbation and was eventually diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. So, I can’t honestly answer what I would be doing. Would I have continued my education to be a Juvenile Probation Officer? Would my relationships with my family and friends be different? I just don’t know.

Would my life be easier?

While I’m sitting here wanting/needing a cure for multiple sclerosis, it’s kind of scary to think about what my life WOULD be like if I didn’t live with MS every day. Would it be easier? Yes, it would be, obviously. But I’m not talking about my health and/or quality of life; I’m talking about life as a whole.

I have grown and changed

After being diagnosed with MS initially, all I wanted was my life back. I wanted to continue on the path that I was on and have no changes to it. But now, I’ve matured, I’ve grown as a person, I’ve changed - and not just in my health, but I’ve changed who I am as a person.

Thankful for the friends I have made

I don’t have the same hobbies, day-to-day life, the same circle of friends, etc. While yes, it stunk that I did lose friendships after being diagnosed, I’m thankful for the friendships I’ve made since then. I met my best friend after I was diagnosed; it’s because of my MS that I met her, because she has MS, too. To think about not having her or any of the other friends I’ve made in my life is scary and it’s not something I want. Most of my new friendships, including my friendship with my best friend, I made because of multiple sclerosis. I found them on MSWorld.org, and I found comfort as well as life-long friendships.

My "normal" has changed

One of the biggest questions we ask ourselves is whether or not we are going to go back to normal after an attack. It’s possible, yes, but it doesn’t always happen for people with multiple sclerosis. I’m weaker than I used to be, physically. It’s due to the fact that my MS has held me back from doing everything that I used to do, but also because the attacks I’ve had in the past have affected certain areas of my body as well.

We all want to be healthy

We all want to be healthy and not be on meds and not be in pain… to not have to suffer the emotional toll that MS can bring. Who would want to go through everything that we do? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I wouldn't be where am I today without MS

I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do what I have grown to love, and that’s being a part of the MS community and really helping others, communicating, trying to make a difference. Considering I had no idea what MS was before I was diagnosed, I know I wouldn’t be here today had I not been diagnosed.

I am stronger because of MS

If you look at the before vs. after for me, personally, you will see that I’m the same person overall. I just have limitations that I have to compensate for and/or deal with. But I’ve grown from the experience. I’m stronger, or at least I think I am. What I thought was hard/difficult to deal with before I was diagnosed is not even a big deal now.

I would not want to undo all that I have learned

As time has gone by since I was diagnosed, which was in 2010, I’ve sort of stopped wondering if I will ever be back to what I was before I was diagnosed. The answer for me is 'no'. I might get back to how I was physically, but mentally I wouldn’t be the same. I wouldn’t want to go back and undo everything that I’ve learned and how I’ve grown over time.

Conflicting emotions

Have there been hardships along the way? That’s a big fat 'yes'… but no one ever said that life was easy. I know that I’m probably portraying a lot of mixed emotions in this article, but that’s because I have mixed emotions about the topic. Not wanting to live with multiple sclerosis, ever, but not wanting to rid myself of what I’ve gained in the journey since my diagnosis. Does that make sense?

Surviving MS

I don’t know if others feel this way, so I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I just had to put it out there. WHEN (not if) there is a cure for MS, I know I can’t be who I was before, and I don’t want to be. But I will move on with what I’ve gained in my journey, and no longer be an MS fighter, but an MS survivor.

“What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” – Charles Bukowski

xoxo

Ashley Ringstaff

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maschabrautigam Member
Could not have said it better!!!Feel the same funny enough thinking of the before or <a href='http://after.Almost' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>after.Almost</a> scary to think of MS free.......what then???Tennis like crazy?Walk fast paced again?Rush around all day?
Member
Dear Ashley, your article is very well written. I too asked me the question few times what my life would look like without MS. But to answer this question is kind of impossible as my life with MS is not worse...it's different, but as you wrote...I changed and I like the person I became. I met new friends and I wouldn't want to miss them in my life anymore. Take care, all the best for you! Cheers, Claudia
suek Member
I look at life this way. It’s nice to dream of what the future will bring, but life takes many unexpected twists and turns. It is in a constant state of flux. Our job is to (my four “A”s) accept, adapt, accommodate and aspire to make the most out of each new day. For me it’s not looking back at “what if...?) but rather adjust to “What is and can be, until the next new challenge takes me in a different direction”. Every adversity adds new depth, learned wisdom and strength. To me, an imperfect life, faced with a fair share of strife and struggle is “normal”. Looking back, I only feel a sense of pride in how far I have come and gratefulness for the detours that showed me more of what I am made of. So what if I never had MS? What if I was Peter Pan and never grew up? I can tackle those notions in my dreams.
1. Janus Galante Moderator
 Thank you SueK for your take on this article. I like your comment when you said that you have a sense of pride in how far you've come and gratefulness for the detours that showed you more of what you're made of! Janus
Harry1968 Member
I would rather not have MS and enjoy a happy healthy normal life like the majority of people do. MS is very rare to have. 7.9 billion people in the world and only 3 million people have garbage MS. Those that are healthy without diseases like MS are the very fortunate people. 
1. Harry1968 Member
 <inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4035613"/> unfortunately life isn't fair Lori. I am just not sure what I did wrong to my body for it to turn on itself and destroy it. As I mentioned before I started exercising and lifting weights 5 times a week at 15 years old. I continued doing that for years . I stayed away from drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, ate pretty healthy also. I did take protein powders and amino acids and vitamins and energy drinks. Maybe it was those things that caused it. Maybe it was my exercising and lifting weights 5 days a week for years that caused it. It's a hard pill to swallow when your so in tuned to your body and you understand your body well. I thought what I was doing was going to keep me healthy. I guess I was wrong. I have seen so maybe people in horrible shape, no exercising, not lifting weights no watching what they eat. They drink alcohol alit, they smoke cigarettes and most do recreational drugs. They were over weight and some obese. But guess what they are healthy with no horrible diseases. Just be very thankful that your healthy and don't have horrible MS or other horrible diseases. I guess I should have been a drug addict a alcoholic and smoked a couple packs of cigarettes a day. I bet I would of had a better chance at being healthy.
2. Debbie Petrina Moderator
 <inline-mention username="harry" user-id="4053774"/> No, life sure isn’t fair. I’ve lived a long life and have witnessed so many bad things that have happened to good people; people who played by the rules and took great care of themselves. Some I know died young and unexpectedly, some who suffered immensely and weren’t able to complete their family and watch their kids grow up. I have wished I knew the answers and could have control over this stuff many times. But I, like many others in the MS community, learn how to bounce back with the support of each other and focus our energy on what we can do. My son is a weight-lifter, and marvels how strong I’ve become in ways that outnumber my physical limitations. We MSers are resilient, strong people and are here for you through good and bad. We get it. Sending big hugs and support, Debbie (Team Member)
caninemom6142 Member
I know I can never get back to what my "normal" used to be. I was physically strong, very strong. I worked out with weights every day. I was Very active. My mind was lightning fast. I had a pretty good outlook about life in general. I was fairly optimistic. Now......I am out of shape. Not as active. My mind is slow, hard to hold an intelligent conversation because the words do not come to me quickly as they used to. My memory is terrible. I haven't got an ounce of optimism. Noise is hugely annoying, even the sound of people's voices. If I was a wealthy person, which I'm not, I'd withdraw from this miserable sewer, move to the woods, enjoy the quiet and beauty of nature before that too is completely ruined.
1. Lori Foster Member
 It must be hard to reconcile your old self with this new one, <inline-mention username="caninemom6142" user-id="3991049"/>. My heart goes out to you. I hope someday you are able to find at least a bit of that optimism and bring it back into your life. It's a struggle. I know. Know that we are here for you whenever you need us. Sending the best of all wishes your way. - Lori (Team Member)
mdtam Member
Hey Ashley!! It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken but I used to talk to you a lot about my MS and IC that was diagnosed with. I was really struggling and you helped me through a lot, so thank you for being a friend to me even though you had never seen me, knew who I was, you were just there for me and it really meant the world because I never had anyone to relate to and I was SCARED!!! Very Scared. I wish I had some good things to report back to you about my health but that just hasn’t been my journey. I’ve been through a lot since we spoke last. I was rushed to the hospital and spent 7 days hallucinating in the hospital after suffering a stroke. During my physical therapy after getting out of the hospital I saw a dr and was then gone through a slewwww of testing and then had someone come to my house and draw my blood from the Majo Clinic, I was diagnosed shortly after with ADDISONS DISEASE! A very rare disease that affects 1-2 people in every 100,000 people. I’m in a loss with this one Ashley, it’s so hard and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t struggling. I was sent also to another doctor that I just had some more tests ran and they think I have another underlying auto immune disease that is amping up my other auto immune diseases and honestly I feel like everyday is just a struggle trying to get relief from all of these diseases!! How am I going to get through this? I mean didn’t what I had already be enough to drive someone mentally crazy. Idk, I don’t know what I’m going to do with another diagnoses. Due to my Addisons now I have to take steriods daily for the rest of my life because my body doesn’t produce or make cortisol because my adrenal glands on top of my kidneys no longer function. I know this message is a lot so hopefully nobody gets upset at my long post. I hope your okay, and managing as best as you can. Thank you for just listening… that’s what means the most to me and I will never forget you or how much you helped me get through such a tediously horrible time in my life ♥️ Always, Dorinda~
1. Lori Foster Member
 <inline-mention username="mdtam" user-id="3994853"/> Hi Dorinda. I know you were writing to Ashley, but I read your story and felt compelled to reach out. Please don't ever worry about whether we will be upset with the length of your post. This space is here for you -- to offer you support and provide a place to vent. Fill it up. There are so many people in this community who suffer from multiple autoimmune diseases. I hope you hear from some of them so you know you are not alone. Here is an article from another of our advocates about her struggles with multiple autoimmune diseases that might interest you: <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/comorbidities-plague-me-more' target='_blank'>https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/comorbidities-plague-me-more</a>. I had never heard of Addison's Disease, but I did a little reading up on it after reading your comment. No wonder you are so overwhelmed. Does the medication help? Do you feel like you have it under control? To get that diagnosis that after a stroke and a lengthy hospitalization must have been quite a shock. I know this all seems like a lot right now, but I hope that with the right medications and the guidance of good doctors, you are able to live your life more fully again. Please know that we really are here for you whenever you need us. Thinking of you. - Lori (Team Member)
Debbie Petrina Moderator
Dear Dorinda mdtam- Let me begin by saying I am also glad you posted this and assure you that a long post should never be a concern. I also felt compelled to reach out to you, like <inline-mention username="Lori Foster" user-id="4035613"/> I felt a jolt when I read what you are going through. My first thought was the unimaginable amount of stress you are experiencing, which of course exacerbates your symptoms and confusion. I live with several autoimmune diseases and it's a "B-I-ichy" to figure everything out, what is causing what, and knowing what to do. There is so much interplay between neurological symptoms. In your case, it seems like everything happened in a short time frame. I am not familiar with Addisons either and looked it up <a href='https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15095-addisons-disease' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15095-addisons-disease</a> Some questions: Are you confident with the diagnosis? did you get other opinions? have you been journaling the details of your symptoms along with a timeline? Are your doctors collaborating with each other about both your treatments, including the medications? Have new medications been started just one at a time? These types of questions may help you figure out a path going forward, and if you answer 'no' to any of them that may be a good place to start. We have many tools in our toolkit to help figure things out. I often say that I know my body best, and that my best support has been others in my shoes. We rely on doctors to help us and advise us, but I have also learned that they are one tool in our toolkit. It does happen that when many neurological things happen at once in a short time frame, that havoc wreaked on the body can result in false conclusions. While I'm not supposed to offer advice, I suggest following your gut-instinct ultimately when deciding what to do next. If all of your vitals are stabilized, take the time for some self care and info gathering. Meantime, please keep reaching out to us as you go forward to sort this all out. In time, I am confident you will. Sending hugs and assurance that our ears are always open to listen--Debbie (Team Member)
jedkelpe Member
GREAT article <inline-mention username="Ashley Ringstaff" user-id="3947379"/>
tim-6474 Member
Walking through the fire of MS I haven't always been a fighter. There were days after diagnosis when I wanted to end it all but couldn't because of my beliefs. As far as friends go I still have a few.I am no movie star and even after recovering. I am still me with all the floors that I have. I can't use MS as an excuse but a challenge that I have to overcome. Because staying paralysed below the waist was no option for me and the help I needed just wasn't there. I hope I never have another major relapse because if so I don't know if I would try as hard again and as for the chance of getting blood cancer I wouldn't treat that with conventional methods. I have always had to live with the struggle and that's never going to change I think. Some days I just don't want to wake up and it feels like there is no point in moving <a href='http://on.What' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>on.What</a> has MS taught me. It has taught me that someone who works to try and make a future for their family is not always going to find a way to get there and they will be struck down for trying. 
1. Lori Foster Member
 HI <inline-mention username="tim-6474" user-id="4033365"/>. On those worst of day, I hope you think to come here and reach out. There are so many people in this community who have been there and are willing to help. I hope you never do have a major relapse again. It is possible. You might eventually go into remission or secondary progressive MS with slow progression. Thinking of you and sending lots of gentle hugs your way. - Lori (Team Member) 
2. Erin Rush Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="tim-6474" user-id="4033365"/>, I just want to piggyback on everything Lori wrote. May you stay as healthy as possible and please do come here anytime you need some support or even just a place to vent! We're here for you! Best, Erin, <a href='http://MultipleSclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a> Team Member.
jimmymac Member
Hey Ashley, sweet article. I must admit I'm not at sure what we mean by finding a cure for MS or returning to "normal". I'm certain I had MS for at least 18 years before I was diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I don't want to return to 15-year-old quiet, dreadfully underconfident, pimple faced me unless we find a procedure. Then maybe 😀 Since my diagnosis in my early 30s, I've had to watch my body lose the ability to do common things like walk, drive and remember basic past events and words but isn't that happens to some people with age? MS just sped that up for me, but I got 1 more day when I woke up today. I know, after diagnosis, I worried that I would end up in a wheelchair soon but 1 day, I realized that wouldn't be tomorrow and I might as well stop worrying about that. I got extremely lucky. I got a positive outlook on life which is the exact opposite I had for the first 24 years of my life. I changed from glass half empty to half full and I chose to never return for very long. Every human gets down on themselves, but I've found from my time for seeking a gold in the pity Olympics, the trick of life is to get back up quickly. That's why I stopped considering there ever being a cure for MS which I imagine you're writing your hope for. Not that I wouldn't want that but, since that isn't available yet, I like you pointing out that you would never have met your best friend or helped countless people with things like this article. I think you're pretty incredible whether you're able to return to normal or not. I know MS has taken its fair share from me, but I would never give back what it has made me realize about myself.
1. Erin Rush Community Admin
 Wow, <inline-mention username="jimmymac" user-id="4005279"/>! You shared some hard won wisdom and honesty in your post and I am thankful for it! I know everyone deals with their MS in their own way, but I in awe of the honesty and serenity you shared with this community. And, it's not an outlook of toxic positivity, but one of gratefulness, gentleness, and kindness and frankly, the world could use more of those traits. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on Ashley's article! Best, Erin, <a href='http://MultipleSclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a> Team Member.
trina Member
I felt compelled to comment on this discussion in part because I've thought of every one of these things myself. I'm fortunate to have a caring and thoughtful family because they have kept everything in perspective when I'm feeling out of control. Specifically, I used to be a runner. At the age of 54 I ran my first half marathon. A few short years later, I'm barely walking 2 miles. While that may sound pretty good, I despaired. One of my daughters said that my taking care of myself and the strength I had from exercising has helped through my MS journey. Healthy living is never a waste. Life itself is never a waste. We don't know whose life we're touching, but know that someone is watching your reaction to obstacles.
1. Erin Rush Community Admin
 I love your attitude, <inline-mention username="trina" user-id="4011354"/>! And I think it's beautiful that you passed that attitude on to your daughter! Talk about a cool legacy! It's pretty hard to find positives in life with MS, but I like that you and your daughter have done so. And, your advice at the very end of your post hit me like a ton of bricks and is a core of my own parenting and living -- "We don't know whose life we're touching, but know that someone is watching your reaction to obstacles." What a truth bomb. Thanks for the reminder for me and this whole community. I am glad you took the time to share this! Best, Erin, <a href='http://MultipleSclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a> Team member.

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