'PTmsD?' My post-traumatic MS disorder
I came in to this MS world kicking and screaming a mere 6 months ago and have already had a relapse. I am saddened at the instant change in my life, my relationships, my thinking, my everything. I am also guilt-ridden for feeling envious of those MSers who adorn the covers of magazines having just ran a marathon, or those that walk unassisted, or those that hold on to their full-time jobs and juggle families.
I'm afraid of medication side-effects yet I'm a critical care nurse. I struggle with maintaining dosing myself with my DMD as my confidence in their effectiveness versus my feeling lousy dwindles.
I have ongoing anxiety of the relapse waiting around the corner. I imagine time will help with this, but every new feeling, new ache, every intermittent mild symptom--they all leave me traumatized. Oversensitivity to sounds has left me jumpy at sudden noises like a car horn, as well as causing a brain jam when my kids are too loud.
I look forward to a time when my 'PTmsD' is under control...under MY control. For now I am ruled by its long-arm of fatigue, cog-fog, weakness, and the list goes on.
I mourn the loss of my self, as my identity was always a nurse and educator. Coping is my new job. Full-time. No benefits---yet.
I challenge my 'PTmsD' to keep up once the tables are turned. I will heed the advice for myself that I've given so many times to families: stay strong, stay focused. Make time your best friend, not your enemy.
I am the face of MS - I am the face of my MS - I am the face of me.
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