Hostage

Hostage

I have never been held against my will, yet I may have somewhat of an idea of what it may feel like to be in such an unfortunate predicament.

While a hostage is bound, they may think “If only I could just wiggle my hand free or move my leg…” or “I just wish to get up and get out of here”. They would more than likely feel fearful and anxious of the uncertainty of what’s to come. I can imagine feelings of hopelessness and despair may occur…even anger. A hostage may find themselves wondering why this travesty has happened to them or if they could have somehow done something different to prevent the horrid, scary situation. I can imagine they’d try to recount happier times in their life or possibly sing inspirational songs in their head to take them, mentally, to a ‘happy place’.

MS is holding me against my will

I’ve never been abducted, but I can almost identify with emotions likely associated. How? Because I am being held hostage by Multiple Sclerosis. It is ‘holding me’ against my will.

‘In my head’, what I can do has no limits. I can do the things of old: walk, run, jump, pick things up, wave hello with an open hand, clean my home, go on impromptu outings, be spontaneous, be independent. But in reality, MS has caused my body to hold me back from such activities and more. And it does not have my permission. And I do not want to ‘go’ with it. Hence, MS snuck in and appropriated me very much against my will.

Wondering why this has happened to me

I, too, have thought “If I could just wiggle my hand free or move my leg…”. I have also been fearful and anxious of the uncertainty of what’s to come (at times). I have also wondered why this has happened to me or if I could have done something different to prevent the situation. And I have often recounted happier times in my life and used music to take myself, mentally, to a ‘happy place’ when needed.

The difference for me is that there isn’t a Hostage Negotiator that can be summoned to work out a deal in hopes of securing my safe release. My ‘negotiator’ is a Neurologist that keeps an eye on my MS progression, symptoms, and medications to assist in the relief of (or relief to the best of it’s ability) said symptoms and progression. There’s also the occasional stint of physical therapy to exercise and stretch the very tight muscles that are harder and harder to use and/or occupational therapy to find easier ways to do what you do a tad easier with what you’ve got (or what you have left).

I comply with my “negotiator”

I won’t hear, like a hostage might, “Do what I say and you won’t be hurt” to avoid further grievance or worse. However, my doctor advises to take my DMD’s and other medications and continue with exercises learned in therapy to slow the progression, manage symptoms and stay moving as much and as long as possible – to avoid as much grievance as possible or worse. And I comply with my ‘negotiator’. Because the alternative is hardly acceptable to me. I can’t and won’t allow myself to fall victim to Multiple Sclerosis – not without a fight.

I choose to live…

Despite any of my abilities that MS may have seized, I not only choose to be free, I choose to live….

Happy

Optimistic

Sensational

Tenacious

Amiable

Gregarious (and)

Exuberant

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (18)
  • Estelle
    4 months ago

    I wake at 5 am every morning because that is my Cocker Spaniels time and he comes and tells me. Smart Dog! Find it is getting difficult to walk with poor balance and pain. Shake constantly. I am 84 years and have lived with MS for many years. Taking care of a large home and property is difficult. My youngest son who lives nearby with his family mows my lawn now. He also comes by each morning and takes my dog for a brisk walk that I can no longer do.

  • Dianne Scott author
    4 months ago

    Hi @estelle!
    Difficulties definitely our new normal.. I am happy to hear that you have some assistance however.
    Be encouraged, my friend, and thanks for reading anx your comment. ☺
    Best,
    Dianne ♡

  • Lori Kiker
    12 months ago

    Diane This story was well written. I really could relate. I have rrms but I have gotten where Im not as active as I once was. I remember the day where I could just do what ever I wanted. That day is gone. I have to plan.

    I am the leader of a support group in Columbus GA. We are called the Chattahoochee Valley MS Support group. We live all around the are. So we are listed in Alabama too. I live in Phenix City Al. If ever you are near by shoot me a message. I d love to have some coffee and talk.

    Lori Kiker

  • Dianne Scott author
    12 months ago

    Hi Lori!
    Yes, we still have our memories of ‘yesteryear’.. A tad bittersweet, but we must forge on the best way we know how. I appreciate your comments.. Thank you so much and should I ever be in your area, I’d be happy to message you for a meet! If you’re ever in Delaware in or around the Dover area, I invite you to do the same! Take care!

  • Dragon Lady
    1 year ago

    Hey Dianne – What a great, well written article. I have felt that way many times but could not find the most articulate words to express my terrible and frustrating feelings that were torturing me.

    On one of my good MS days I had sort of a relevation that actually made me feel better and more “normal”. And it is: I think that every person is a hostage to something that changes their life in a negative way or prevents you from doing what you used to do or would like to do.

    Like MS, some of these afflictions can be noticed and others can’t. Some are treatable, some not. Some people are ashamed and/or barrassed of what they are suffering from and don’t want others to know.

    Be thankful that you can tell people about how you feel. I think if you think of the general population as being hostage to anything that makes them unhappy, sad or afraid you will not feel as alone as you probably do at times and you will have a more free state of mind.

    Take care and fight to feel positive and optomistic. Best of luck to you

  • Dianne Scott author
    12 months ago

    Hi Dragon Lady!
    I agree with you wholeheartedly.. And trust me, I am SO happy to be able to articulate how I’m feeling. It’seems therapeutic for me and hopefully my outlook can encourage another. There’re low moments, but essentially, as my article states:
    “I can’t and won’t allow myself to fall victim to Multiple Sclerosis – not without a fight.”
    Thanks for commenting.. Take care!

  • Nancy W
    1 year ago

    what bugs me is that I am always planning my day taking my MS into consideration then BAM, some random symptom will grab me and force me to go straight home and rest. Fatigue, cog fog and digestive issues sometimes keep me hostage.

  • Dianne Scott author
    1 year ago

    Nancy W.: Wow, ditto! Smh.. MS sucks all the way around. It never allows you to ‘adjust’… always an imposition.

  • NLG30
    1 year ago

    This is an accurate way to express this ugly disease . It is a hopeless feeling having a progressive form of MS. You try your best but your body won’t comply to your wishes. There is no way out. It creates a sadness in you that others cannot understand.

  • Dianne Scott author
    12 months ago

    I get it, NLG30. Stay strong and don’t give up. ♡

  • Azjackie
    1 year ago

    Absolutely outstanding writing! Very accurate. Thank you Dianne.

  • Dianne Scott author
    12 months ago

    Thank you, Azjackie!! ☺

  • l4u95h
    1 year ago

    I’ve been in hostage like situations. And MS is like them but way worse. I can’t walk long distances anymore. We have no hope of getting out of the situation. I used to be able to walk up and down the street I live on (a year ago). I could walk across the same street about the same time. I can’t get in my yard to work in my flower beds. I very much a hostage.

  • Estelle
    4 months ago

    I truly understand the frustration not being able to work in my beautiful gardens, Apple trees, and Grape Arbors. Once belonged to the Garden Club in town but I gave that up a few years ago. Beautiful wooded area out back that I can still enjoy as long as I can keep my home.

  • Dianne Scott author
    4 months ago

    Hey @estelle ,
    So sorry you hhad to give up something you love so much, but happy that you can still enjoy the wooded area. Stay strong!
    Best wishes,
    Dianne ♡

  • Dianne Scott author
    1 year ago

    Yes, definitely the ‘hostage like’ situations that I was referring too. Stay strong and, if it’s even the slightest consolation, know that you are not alone!

  • Sue
    1 year ago

    I hate to be be negative, but I don’t feel like a hostage. I have good insurance, so the ransom, $40-85000 a year plus therapies and $1000,000’s in rehab and hospitals and electric wheelchairs have been paid. Yet, I haven’t been freed or given a more luxurious cell.
    Instead, the four walls of the cell keep on shrinking. The floor and ceiling are also closing in..
    Progressive MS is not an honorable adversary. It demands more expensive, and more torturous submission. I was captured over 15 years ago. The progression moves much more quickly or I’m so much weaker now.

  • Dianne Scott author
    1 year ago

    Not only do I get it, Sue, I wholeheartedly understand and sympathize with your plight because I share it. Take care, fellow warrior, and God speed.

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