I’m just going to be honest; I have an extremely hard time with negativity when it comes to Multiple Sclerosis. I think a lot of the reason I have such a difficult time with it, is because I once was the person filled with negativity and bitterness over my diagnosis at such a young and naive age. It is also a huge reason I had such a hard time opening up and sharing my story. There is an enormous amount of negativity associated with being diagnosed with a disease, much less an incurable one. I may only be twenty-six, and I still have a lot of life to live; but, this life hasn’t always been beautiful. I have certainly had my various trials and hiccups along the way. For a very long while, I lived with a hardened heart over my past mistakes and difficulties. And, a lot of those mistakes and difficulties I attributed to my MS, and thought it was to blame. Sure, MS has affected my life gravely in those ways, but overall it’s not actually to blame. I am the master of my life, and unfortunately I let something life changing to allow me to believe the wrong choices I was making at the time, were ok. In ways, I almost let it justify my reasoning for making bad decisions and choosing negativity.
“There are numerous days I struggle to simply wake up and face the day, much less do it in a positive manner”
I also want to point out, that I’m not always happy, go lucky and filled with positivity to the brim. I struggle with negativity daily, especially when my MS is acting up and I don’t feel like I can be the person (or wife, mother, friend, etc.) I long to be. I live with a lot of fear – fear of the unknown. I struggle with worrying about my MS progressing and stressing over the fact that one day I certainly may not be in the same good health that I am today. But, being so young, I feel it is my duty to my husband, my son, family and friends to face each day with a positive, exuberant spirit. I only get one shot at living this life, and I have made a decision to live each day to the fullest. Not every day is easy, by any means. There are numerous days I struggle to simply wake up and face the day, much less do it in a positive manner. I worry and stress a lot over things many people my age don’t have to. In fact, I just spent the last half of this month stressing badly over finding the right insurance coverage for my son and myself. Things like that do make me bitter. It makes me bitter that I HAVE to have good medical insurance that is outrageous in cost, and bitter that I have to make what seems like hundreds of phone calls just to make sure that we can afford my MS medication–The medication that I need to counteract the side effects of MS that could leave me debilitated, or worse.
“I may not be able to choose what MS throws at me, but I CAN choose how I deal with it.”
But, after weeks like this last one of stressing and worrying over things out of my control, I am humbly reminded that although those things stink (for lack of better words), I still have SO much to be thankful for. I am so beyond grateful for my sustained health thus far, for my beautiful little family, and that I am able to run after my toddler and play with him daily. I am all too aware that one day, this good health may not be my reality. I have just had to learn over time and many trials that I get to choose daily whether I am going to have a good day or a bad day, despite my circumstances. I may not be able to choose what MS throws at me, but I CAN choose how I deal with it. And, that’s why I choose to wake up with a positive heart and spirit no matter what. Even on the bad days, I must choose happiness and a positive attitude, for my own sanity. Although my life hasn’t always been what I’ve imagined, it is what I make it, and I choose to make it a happy one-no matter what!