A smiling woman sits among a bright cloud of happy chaos.

The Chaos Keeps Me Going

I’ve mentioned in quite a few of my past articles that after a hard few days or weeks, I enjoy some time alone to relax and recuperate. I have found though that there is such a thing, for me, as too much alone time. It’s been a hard month on me filled with physical symptoms, so my mom took my son with her for a week so that I could relax. Between that and my husband working long hours, it’s given me basically an entire week to myself. Most might find this heavenly, but when you can’t get up and do much or don’t feel well, it’s not nearly as much fun. It feels more lonely and isolating than anything. There is only so much mindless TV I can watch before going a little stir crazy. I’m thankful to have had the time to rest, but it’s made me realize that the quiet time isn’t what helps me the most. The people in my life are what keep me going. The loud, the chaos, the crazy - turns out I’m a little lost without it.

Too much alone time

When I have too much time alone to do nothing, it gives me too much time to think. With my MS, I deal with anxiety and depression, so too much thinking often leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Many times, I feel as if my brain just won’t shut off. The first couple of days are wonderful, but anything past that and being alone becomes a downer for me. When I’m alone, I focus more on the pain, the fatigue, and all of the other symptoms seem exaggerated as well. To be honest, this last week alone has just reminded me how thankful I am that I don’t have to be alone often. When my family is home and with me, it helps distract me from the everyday struggle that is MS. They become my focus, and they keep me busy.

My family is my motivation

They distract me from how bad I may feel and from the symptoms I might be facing. You see, without my family, I can easily see myself becoming a hermit and never getting out. Without having a little one to take care of, it would make it easier to decide not to get ready that day, or to put off the laundry and the dishes. It would become easier to skip that lunch with a friend because I’m too tired to get up and get around. I’ve always said my family is my motivation. And this week proved that to me even more.

The love makes the hardest days worth fighting for

I am grateful to have a very supportive extended family, a great husband, a little boy, and babies on the way. Some days, family is a lot and, of course, they can be a handful, but I wouldn’t know what to do without them. They keep me grounded. They bring the chaos. I know most people with MS probably hear chaos and want to run away. Believe me, I have my days where I want to run away, too. But after too much alone time, all I can think is how I can’t wait for the chaos to return. I can’t wait to hear the pitter-patter of little feet on the tile, the loud, obnoxious noises that little boys love to make, and the endless yelling of “momma”. I can’t wait to have my husband home more, even when he gets on my nerves or hogs the tv. And, crazy enough, I look forward to the arrival of our babies in the next couple of months to add more chaos to the mix. MS is hard enough as a mom and a wife, and I know our family doubling is going to be HARD. However, I’ve come to find that the more chaos there is, the more love there is. And that chaos and love are what gets me out of bed every day. It is what makes even the hardest days worth fighting for. Now, don’t think I don’t still appreciate some quiet time, heaven knows we all need it. But my goodness, I love having a crazy, chaotic life. It makes it all worth it.

What keeps you going?



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