Fantasy or Possibility?
I don’t know about you, but at times I almost forget I have Multiple Sclerosis and experience the impulse to do something I had not considered doing for a while. The goal of these thoughts may change, but they almost always involve something that I no longer am quite able to do or I am not able to do so gracefully. I suspect this may be rooted in the thought that if we visualize ourselves doing something it makes it more of a possibility.
When I wake in the morning I often forget that those first few steps are going to be some of the worst of the day for me. I wake and believe that I may be as spry as an 18 year-old and think about hopping out of bed and getting the day started quickly. It may be what every person my age faces after being in bed all night – but this scenario almost always has me rolling my legs over the edge of the bed, pushing my torso upright and then reality sets in when I try to move fluidly into a standing position. I am fortunate I can still stand on my own, but getting the message to get going in the morning is often a slow process; it is certainly not an 18 year-old’s body making this initial move to begin the day.
I’ve grown accustomed to the idea that this rising easily and fluidly thing just isn’t happening for my body as I might envision and I know and acknowledge the reality that will set in once I am vertical. But that still doesn’t stop me from awakening moments of different thinking.
Recently there has emerged a new fantasy and my departure-from-reality thought these days is a bit different …. as I pull into my parking space at work and open the door to get out I can see/feel myself moving briskly through the winter elements of rain, snow, hail, and wind, to get to my building’s front door. There are times I can even see myself sprinting a bit to get to the shelter of the building.
Of course a sprint is out of the question and some days I barely muster much more than a crawling pace to make it from my car to the building. On a good day, I can turn that five minute walk into one that only takes four minutes. Other times it might take all that I can muster to make that stroll.
Lately, as I am getting my legs under me to move from the car, I picture myself in almost a jog. Ahead of me I often see coworkers who are also arriving to work and it would be nice to catch up with them and chat while we get to our respective building - I’m not talking about a long distance – just a short little sprint to join them would be enough. But of course that is merely a fantasy and not something I can actually do. There is no rushing – just a slow steady pace to propel myself.
Interestingly, both of these fantasy visions involve my beginning from a dead stop- perhaps illustrating my brain agrees with what I’ve said all along I work well when I can sit and don’t have to move about much. My brain moves at lightning speed most of the time – it’s just my body that won’t/can’t keep up.
It seems to me that having these fleeting daydream scenarios are natural, but I can’t help but hope that one of these days I will fantasize about one that I can make a reality despite my limitations with MS. How about you? What does your brain and emotions think you can accomplish that isn’t quite in your grasp?
Wishing you well,
Have you ever experienced any of the following financial struggles due to your MS?