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Fantasy or Possibility?

I don’t know about you, but at times I almost forget I have Multiple Sclerosis and experience the impulse to do something I had not considered doing for a while.  The goal of these thoughts may change, but they almost always involve something that I no longer am quite able to do or I am not able to do so gracefully. I suspect this may be rooted in the thought that if we visualize ourselves doing something it makes it more of a possibility.

When I wake in the morning I often forget that those first few steps are going to be some of the worst of the day for me. I wake and believe that I may be as spry as an 18 year-old and think about hopping out of bed and getting the day started quickly.  It may be what every person my age faces after being in bed all night – but this scenario almost always has me rolling my legs over the edge of the bed, pushing my torso upright and then reality sets in when I try to move fluidly into a standing position.  I am fortunate I can still stand on my own, but getting the message to get going in the morning is often a slow process; it is certainly not an 18 year-old’s body making this initial move to begin the day.

I’ve grown accustomed to the idea that this rising easily and fluidly thing just isn’t happening for my body as I might envision and I know and acknowledge the reality that will set in once I am vertical.    But that still doesn’t stop me from awakening moments of different thinking.

Recently there has emerged a new fantasy and my departure-from-reality thought these days is a bit different …. as I pull into my parking space at work and open the door to get out I can see/feel myself moving briskly through the winter elements of rain, snow, hail, and wind, to get to my building’s front door.  There are times I can even see myself sprinting a bit to get to the shelter of the building.

Of course a sprint is out of the question and some days I barely muster much more than a crawling pace to make it from my car to the building.  On a good day, I can turn that five minute walk into one that only takes four minutes. Other times it might take all that I can muster to make that stroll.

Lately, as I am getting my legs under me to move from the car, I picture myself in almost a jog.  Ahead of me I often see coworkers who are also arriving to work and it would be nice to catch up with them and chat while we get to our respective building – I’m not talking about a long distance – just a short little sprint to join them would be enough. But of course that is merely a fantasy and not something I can actually do.  There is no rushing – just a slow steady pace to propel myself.

Interestingly, both of these fantasy visions involve my beginning from a dead stop- perhaps illustrating my brain agrees with what I’ve said all along I work well when I can sit and don’t have to move about much.  My brain moves at lightning speed most of the time – it’s just my body that won’t/can’t keep up.

It seems to me that having these fleeting daydream scenarios are natural, but I can’t help but hope that one of these days I will fantasize about one that I can make a reality despite my limitations with MS.  How about you? What does your brain and emotions think you can accomplish that isn’t quite in your grasp?

Wishing you well,

Laura

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • Sonya
    5 years ago

    Laura,
    My friend, you may not be able to run, even sprint,but you can hit the ball, & you hit this one over the wall!! 🙂
    I think you have expressed exactly how so many of us feel.
    My husband takes an annual golf trip for 3 days every year. My ritual, until about 4 years ago, was to spend those 3 days doing whatever I wanted, not having to adhere to schedules. I would normally use this time to work on things around the house, washing windows, cleaning closets…it is so much easier to clean a man’s side of the closet, when he isn’t around ;-), maybe paint a room; always leaving one day for myself to get out and about; beginning early & lasting into the early evening. Now all I can do is remember, & think of what I so long to be doing.
    I am so thankful I am still mobile, even if a cane is involved, but I so miss those days of hitting the floor, getting into my sneakers, tying the laces, & being off for a day filled with activity! I was a walker, 3 miles everyday!
    Thank-you dear friend, for always putting into words, those feelings we have, but cannot express as fluently.
    Maybe one day there will be a cure……then we can all meet for a run, or even a sprint, together.
    My best to you,
    Sonya

  • Sonya
    5 years ago

    Laura,
    I am completely flattered by your compliment!
    And yes, I shall be right there with you, shot knees & all…..
    Blessings, Sonya

  • Laura Kolaczkowski author
    5 years ago

    You too do quite well expressing with words! I had to laugh at your comment about cleaning his side of the closet – I am the same way with mine and smuggle little bits and pieces out here and there when he isn’t looking. When the time for a cure comes, I’m afraid my knees will still be shot…. 🙂 best, Laura

  • Joma
    5 years ago

    I have the same morning issues, so I really appreciate this story. Thank you for sharing and making me feel like I’m not alone.

    My dream/goal is to go to the amusement park that I frequently went to when I was younger. They have a Halloween night of rides and festivities. I may not get there this year, but my plan is to get there. Every year I see myself going, riding the rides, mustering up the ability to withstand the 2 hour wait of lines. I hope funnel cake doesn’t taste better in my memories. 🙂

  • Laura Kolaczkowski author
    5 years ago

    I’m afraid I would have to send you on your own to the Halloween night- I am not a fan of frights and thrill rides. But then again, perhaps I could go and test the funnel cakes for you. I hope you get to go soon.

  • Laurie
    5 years ago

    I have had dreams in the past where I could run. Oh the feeling! Then, I woke up and remembered that my legs don’t function the way they’re supposed to. I also was at a friend’s house, where I went to get out of the car without my cane, and my friend had to remind me to grab it. Oh the many things I managed to do without for years. I totally forgot that I need it, although I’m sure I would have rememberred as soon as I tried to walk. 🙂

  • Laura Kolaczkowski author
    5 years ago

    I do appreciate those moments when the reality doesn’t match my fantasy. It feels good, even momentarily, to think I can do something. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment here. best, Laura

  • Bob
    5 years ago

    I feel MS the instant I get up. I struggle to put my clothes on and get ready for work. At work I struggle to walk anywhere. It’s my job to walk out in the shop and look at things. I have not experience being able to run since 2011. So much for playing basketball ever again. I left my last job because I was afraid of falling off a wing. That would be a death fall. Now I work on smaller airplanes but if I fall I can still get hurt or die. So what options do I have? I have three kids in college so now what options do I have? Next year one graduates but one takes his place so I’ll have 3 for another 2 years. My MS is worse today then yesterday. I pry for a cure to heal Myelin so I will be able to run again.

  • Laura Kolaczkowski author
    5 years ago

    Bob, I’m so sorry you have had to adjust your profession and your dreams because of this MiSerable disease. Three kids in college? Wow!! Good for them and for you – it means you did a great job raising them to appreciate education. BTW, be sure your kids check out any scholarship opportunities through your NMSS Chapter. Many of them offer small amounts to children of people with MS. best, Laura

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