Color My Mood Gray
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Profile photo of Laura Kolaczkowski

I realized the other day that I really miss feeling good.  I’m not talking good as in the physical things such as walking or having a good night’s rest, but good as in my spirits were light and I was emotionally charged in a positive way.  Pre-MS I usually felt good every day, or at least for the largest part of each one.  But then along came MS and the not-so-good moments were mixed in with the good ones, but it still didn’t matter because most days I felt good.

Fewer and fewer good days

Then a few years later, I noticed the good days were becoming fewer and when they did come along I felt as if I could be standing atop a mountain, ala Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, and rejoicing.  The difference in my movement and mood was noticeable and one day quite unexpectedly at work I declared to my boss and office mate that I felt good. They looked at me with that ‘huh?’ expression and I had to explain it was a great day because I felt as if the sun had come out and I was soaking in its energy.

Unfortunately it has been a long time since I have had that type of emotional lift and it is really wearing on me.  It is particularly noticeable on these gray winter days when the sun doesn’t shine and I’m at home, not motivated to do anything in particular.  It occurs to me I can’t quite even put a date on when this feeling wasn’t with me, but I might guess it was in the early fall when cool breezes blew in and the sun was still warm but not blazing hot.

You might be thinking I’m spending too much time alone, working on the MS hermit thing I wrote about a while back, but that isn’t exactly the case. I’m not always alone, and I do make the effort to be pleasant, but putting a bright face on a not so sunny disposition is never easy. How often do you say ‘it could be worse’ and even though intellectually you know that it is the truth, it gives you little solace? Definitely there are always people who have it much worse, no matter how bad our MS might be, but that doesn’t help as consolation at the moment.

Hoping to get out of this rut

Since I recognize this problem, maybe I can also search out a solution. I tried a happy light but gave that one to a person who needed it more after it didn’t seem to make a difference. My sense of not feeling good does not come from something as simple as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), where a funk settles in as the season changes and the happy lights can simulate the rays of the sun and increase the brain chemicals that make us feel good.

Strangely I don’t feel bad, I just don’t feel good as in that peppy lift in the spirits that make each day easier. I suspect many of you reading this can identify with this emotional void. I don’t know there is anything I can do to make this feeling change other than continue to wish that light would come on and for a few moments I could feel charged again.

Wishing you well,

Laura

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