Here I Go Again

In July, I went to bed and woke up the next morning in the emergency room. I’d had a seizure - first time and out of nowhere.

Then in August, I went to the bathroom and I ‘woke up’ to my sister and brother-in-law ‘suddenly’ at my house and my daughter in an incredibly anxious conversation with 911. Another seizure.

The ambulance arrived taking me to the emergency room. While awaiting assessment, I ‘awoke’ to my other sister who’d met us there, just returning to our group after notifying staff that ‘it’ had happened again. I’d had another seizure.

Here I go again.

No other culprit

I am left with no recollection of having the seizures and am quite confused thereafter. I’ve had to rely on my daughter to recount what she witnessed to me and the doctors. I understand that the characteristics of the first seizure included convulsions, stiffened arms and legs, a very bloody tongue (from being bitten), and loss of consciousness. It was consistent with the description of a grand mal seizure. The second and third, I was told that I simply stopped talking in the midst of a conversation with my daughter and put my head down. I’d lost consciousness, but once I raised my head, I began strangely smacking my lips while looking at her. Initially, she was unsure if I was ‘back,' but when I began talking in a peculiar manner, she quickly discerned that there was indeed a problem. This closely mirrored what happened at the hospital. The attributes of these last two episodes were consistent with a complex focal seizure. They aren't necessarily the same every time as the doctor explained.

At any rate, my neurologist, finding no other culprit, highly suspects that it's the Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Here I go again.

Every episode has left its mark

I experienced fatigue and upper and lower extremity weakness prior to my encounters with these seizures. Regrettably, every episode has left its mark on each. Fortunately, new rounds of physical and occupational therapy were ordered, but still... Here I go again.

And like with each new or worsening symptom, again, I wonder:
When is enough enough??
How much is too much??
Will it ever stop??
Is there a way to avoid a new or increased medication??
How will this affect my life??

Another mosquito bite

I just can't help but think that MS is like a (female) mosquito in the summer - relentless. Incessantly hovering and buzzing around in an attempt to inflict her bothersome effects on some unsuspecting individual simply living his or her life. She ‘hits’ then moves on to the next victim, but only after leaving behind the inevitable itch (symptom) for you to have to deal with. You're thinking... Ugh, another mosquito bite! Here I go again.

I've been in this place before

But I become cognizant of the words here I go again and recall how I’ve been in ‘this’ place before. I’ve never had seizures, but I’ve had to deal with mild, moderate and severe exacerbations, unpredictability, worsening of, and newly acquired symptoms, loss of function, etc., and I have persevered. For example, I’ve had to modify and even forego some things, places and activities, rely on familial and friend support at times I may have preferred not to, definitely quote The Serenity Prayer to myself, and practice keeping my focus on anyandallpositives around me no matter how small.

Admittedly, I'm not thrilled about having seizures and pray no more come to grace me with their unwelcome presence. However, I plan to use the tools I’ve acquired in my life and especially while enduring this MS journey to keep pressing on so yes... Here I Go Again!

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