Here We Go Again

Here We Go Again

I don’t know if it’s just me, but whenever I have an MRI and learn that I’m progressing and/or when I go into a flare, it feels like I’m dealing with being diagnosed all over again.

So let me explain more… You know when you’re diagnosed you have your “steps” of dealing with the diagnosis, confusion, anger, depression, denial, etc. Well – that’s how I feel when I am in a flare or if I’ve learned that I’m progressing, even though I’m doing everything I can to “slow” the progression.

So, I recently had an MRI & the report states that I have “at least” 7 new lesions… Now, I haven’t really had a “noticeable” flare, but they aren’t always that noticeable either. Anyway, when I learned this… I was angry. I wasn’t angry that the meds aren’t slowing the disease, because they aren’t said to STOP progression, just to TRY and SLOW it. I was just angry with my body, I still am in a way.

I tried explaining it to family about how I was feeling. It’s kind of like when you’re betrayed by someone you trust to never betray you… it’s like a slap in the face. Well, that’s how I feel… but I can’t be mad at “anyone” because it’s my own body that’s doing it to me. So yeah, I’m angry that I keep progressing… I’m angry that I’m trying to do everything in my power to fight my MS… and at times, it feels like it’s not working.

But the thing is, when people tell me to “calm down” and that “it’s going to be okay”…. that just makes me even more upset. I finally just said, let me be angry… let me be upset… just let me GET IT OUT. It’s not like we can predict the future… and MS is FAR from predictable. But I just wish it was understood that we have a right to be angry… it’s OKAY to be angry. It doesn’t mean we are always going to be angry/upset or depressed… we just need to let it out, not sit here and bottle it all in. That’s just making a ticking time-bomb, in my opinion.

So anyway, I just feel like whenever we have a relapse… or our MRI shows progression, it feels (in a way) like being diagnosed all over again. Because, sometimes, we have to make decisions all over again, like we might need to change meds for one… things like that.

For those that go in to a LONG remission, that’s great! I’m very happy for those people, but I’m not one of those people as of right now. MS isn’t an easy illness to live with, especially when it’s not even known what causes it and/or how to stop it.

I’m a stubborn person… I’m a fighter… & I’m told how strong I am… but that doesn’t mean that I never show weakness. It’s okay to show weakness, just because you show it, doesn’t mean your a weak person… it just means that you’re a HUMAN BEING!

xoxo

Ashley Ringstaff

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