I have never been held against my will, yet I may have somewhat of an idea of what it may feel like to be in such an unfortunate predicament.

While a hostage is bound, they may think “If only I could just wiggle my hand free or move my leg…” or “I just wish to get up and get out of here”. They would more than likely feel fearful and anxious of the uncertainty of what's to come. I can imagine feelings of hopelessness and despair may occur...even anger. A hostage may find themselves wondering why this travesty has happened to them or if they could have somehow done something different to prevent the horrid, scary situation. I can imagine they’d try to recount happier times in their life or possibly sing inspirational songs in their head to take them, mentally, to a ‘happy place’.

MS is holding me against my will

I’ve never been abducted, but I can almost identify with emotions likely associated. How? Because I am being held hostage by Multiple Sclerosis. It is ‘holding me’ against my will.

‘In my head’, what I can do has no limits. I can do the things of old: walk, run, jump, pick things up, wave hello with an open hand, clean my home, go on impromptu outings, be spontaneous, be independent. But in reality, MS has caused my body to hold me back from such activities and more. And it does not have my permission. And I do not want to ‘go’ with it. Hence, MS snuck in and appropriated me very much against my will.

Wondering why this has happened to me

I, too, have thought “If I could just wiggle my hand free or move my leg…”. I have also been fearful and anxious of the uncertainty of what's to come (at times). I have also wondered why this has happened to me or if I could have done something different to prevent the situation. And I have often recounted happier times in my life and used music to take myself, mentally, to a ‘happy place’ when needed.

The difference for me is that there isn't a Hostage Negotiator that can be summoned to work out a deal in hopes of securing my safe release. My ‘negotiator’ is a Neurologist that keeps an eye on my MS progression, symptoms, and medications to assist in the relief of (or relief to the best of it’s ability) said symptoms and progression. There's also the occasional stint of physical therapy to exercise and stretch the very tight muscles that are harder and harder to use and/or occupational therapy to find easier ways to do what you do a tad easier with what you've got (or what you have left).

I comply with my "negotiator"

I won't hear, like a hostage might, “Do what I say and you won't be hurt” to avoid further grievance or worse. However, my doctor advises to take my DMD’s and other medications and continue with exercises learned in therapy to slow the progression, manage symptoms and stay moving as much and as long as possible - to avoid as much grievance as possible or worse. And I comply with my ‘negotiator’. Because the alternative is hardly acceptable to me. I can't and won't allow myself to fall victim to Multiple Sclerosis - not without a fight.

I choose to live...

Despite any of my abilities that MS may have seized, I not only choose to be free, I choose to live....






Gregarious (and)


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