I'll Keep Showing Up
In the past, I’ve written about how it’s okay to ask for help, and I continue to stand by how important it is to ask for help when you need it. But, what happens when you don’t have any help? What keeps you motivated to keep going? What is your 'why'?
When I have to do it all myself
My husband is very caring, and he is so good about helping me around the house. He helps share the load and responsibilities, and he helps take care of me when I’m having a rough day. Lately, though, he has been working extended hours, so I’ve had to manage a lot by myself. Y'all, these days where I do it all by myself are long, and they are hard. They make me want to go up to every single parent (with and without MS) and just give them a big high five and a hug because they are my heroes. Physically, I struggle when I have to do everything by myself because it just plain wears me out. It doesn’t give you much of a chance to say, "Hey, I could really use some help with this, I’m having a hard day." By the end of a day WITH help, I’m pooped, but by the end of the day where I do it all, I’m barely functional.
Getting cranky and emotional
At the end of those days, all I can think about is resting my sore and tired body in a hot bath and climbing into bed. Emotionally, I struggle, too, because when I do things by myself, it gives me too much time to think. My mind goes into overdrive, and I get cranky and emotional. Honestly, most of the days where I don’t have help, I feel like a disaster, and I certainly feel like I’m nowhere close to having it all together. In fact, some days I feel like a failure. It’s not that I can’t keep my house functioning and take care of my child by myself, but I feel like a much better person overall when every single thing doesn’t fall on me. I need help whenever I can get it, and I’m okay with admitting that. On those days where everything falls on my shoulders, I can’t get overwhelmed and quit. I can’t let the pain and fatigue from MS have me throw in the towel. I get burned out, but I have to keep showing up.
Remembering my "why's"
On the days where I feel like I can’t possibly do it all by myself, I remember my 'why’s'. My why’s are my husband and my son. They are my family and friends that stand with me and support me. They are the reason that I keep showing up. They are the reason that no matter how hard I struggle doing it all alone that I am able to keep going. They are my cheerleaders, cheering me on and letting me know that I CAN. In my book that I’m reading, I read a line and it just really stuck with me: “Run after run. Attempt after attempt. Day after day. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, sometimes feeling great, sometimes in pain, most times in last place - but no matter what, she was committed to showing up.”
Thankful that I CAN show up
That line sums up exactly how I strive to be. Doing things all on your own can be so hard, especially with MS, but day after day, I want to show up. I want to show myself that even on my worst days, I can do it, that MS won’t stop me. Of course, sometimes it does stop me dead in my tracks, but on the days that it doesn’t, I will show up, and I will keep showing up for the rest of my life. At the end of even the hardest days, I’m reminded most of all of just how thankful I am that I CAN show up.
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