Motherhood and MS – My Journey
Yesterday was a hard one. It was 7:30 PM last night as I finally really sat down to relax for the day. I was so tired, my back ached, and I could feel the bags under my eyes. I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning with our 4 week old puppy, and then my 18 month old was ready to go just two hours later. It had been one of those days where I felt like I had been going non-stop, whether it was duties at home, grocery shopping, running after my little guy and his new puppy, etc. It was a draining day. By bedtime I was tired, weary, and ready to dive into the soft mattress. And, today, I felt the business of yesterday. My mind and body felt the exhaustion kick into overdrive. I had to take a two hour nap while my little one napped so that I could make it through the rest of the day, but I’ve learned the importance of listening to my body and knowing when to slow down.
Keeping up with a toddler
Being a mom to an extremely energetic, rambunctious little boy is both the most exhausting and the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I’m tired constantly, but in a weird way it’s so worth it. He is the little kick in my side that constantly tells me to keep going, even when I feel like there is no possible way that I can. Being a mom is my passion, and it’s my motivation to stay healthy and well in every aspect of the word. Is it always easy? No, absolutely not. It is, however, always worth it. Being a young mom with MS has changed me. It’s changed my outlook on life and so much more. So many other moms say things to me like, “Oh, you’re so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it.” But, honestly I don’t feel differently from any other mom. I’ve never known motherhood without MS, so to me it’s just the norm.
Some days I’m much more drained than others
And, then there are the days I struggle to run around after my little boy and keep up with the demands of being a housewife and mom, too. The energy my son has astounds me. I swear he never wears down, or at least he never shows it. There are days I marvel at what it must be like to have the energy to run and play the way he does! I do worry about the future and what it might be like if I’m no longer physically able to keep up with his daily hobbies and activities, but right now I can, so I gladly do! There are moments where I may have to sit and watch while he plays, but I’ve learned that that’s ok too. I think he would much rather know momma was there and happy to help entertain, even if sometimes I have to sit more than other mommas might. I struggle with a lot of “mom guilt” when it comes to things like that. I’m not always going to be good at knowing exactly what he needs. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being his momma. There are times I feel that I do it right, and sometimes I feel that I completely miss the mark. Every single day I make mistakes. I know for a fact, that I’m not always the perfect mom, but another thing I know for certain is that I always try my best-and I always will. I will continue striving for wholeness as a mom and as a person so that one day when he faces obstacles I can help him do the same. It gets hard, sometimes to look past the negative and focus on the positive, especially on days where my body and mind are completely famished. But, I always want my little guy to know without a doubt in his mind, that when I look at him I AM SO PROUD. My heart beams with love, because when I look at his tiny face, I see all of the good in the world. I see a strong, mighty little warrior. I see a treasure that God has chosen me to be entrusted with. He is so spirited and fierce, vivacious in every way. He is also gentle and kind. He gives me hope in the world, and helps me see the pureness only a child can bring. And, I hope that one day when he looks at me, he doesn’t see weakness because of my MS. But, I do hope that through my times of weakness he learns something. I hope that he learns to never give up. I hope that he learns to be compassionate and to be kind and good to others, always. I hope and pray that his imperfections won’t scare him the way mine scared me. That those imperfections won’t be something he runs from and wrestles with, but something he embraces. I pray that if I teach him anything, it’s that life is precious, even the hard moments. And that every day is worth showing up and trying again.
Just like any other mom
So, yes, I’m a mom that has MS, but in all reality I’m just like any other mom. My son is my inspiration to push through the dark times. He amazes me every day and makes me want to pull out every ounce of greatness that’s still inside of me. I’m never, ever going to be a perfect mom, I’ve realized that. But, I will always and forever be his friend, his biggest cheerleader and fan, and someone who will fight for him even when I don’t feel like I can fight for myself. I may have MS, but I’m not going to let that stop me from being the best mom and person I can be. If anything, I’m going to let it mold and shape me daily into exactly who he needs me to be. MS can never take away my chance at being the best mom and person, even when it’s tough.