My Emotions Are Broken...?
Okay, so my emotions aren’t actually ‘broken’, but I feel that they don’t work… normally, if that makes sense. I have taken some time to really think about this, and look back at my reaction to certain things/situations. And I just feel that sometimes, I don’t respond with the right ‘emotion’ at the right time.
The "wrong" emotional reaction
For instance, if someone is mad at me… I don’t react the way I would have say … 10 years ago. I just seem to have no emotional response to the situation. And that can be a problem, cause then people think I don’t care about what they’re voicing to me, but that’s not it at all. There are times, that I feel the ‘right’ emotion, but I don’t show the emotion. It’s like my brain can’t compute how I’m feeling to really show through my actions/words.
I don’t know if this is just me, but it’s something that I wanted to bring up for a while now. And no, I’m not trying to ‘blame’ this on my MS… cause for the longest time I felt like something was just wrong with me… until I discussed with my doctor. He stated that MS could affect emotional behavior.
Now, let me just point out that my emotions aren’t always broken… but just at certain times it seems. And it’s not something that I can predict when it will happen. I’ve never been a very ‘emotional’ person to begin with, by the way. I had the mentality that crying was a show of weakness growing up, so I didn’t do it. But I then learned that it’s okay to be emotional, and it doesn’t make you weak.
My emotional response isn't predictable
It’s just so weird… I will get in an argument with my husband (because no relationship is perfect) and there are times that I will show emotion during the argument and we hash it out, etc. But then there are the times that we argue, and I sit there, listening to what he is saying and it appears as if I’m ‘bored’, or not paying attention. And I can’t seem to get a hold of it to not make it seem that way. I have been able to repeat everything back to him that he said, and do it with no emotion, almost like I’m reading it off a script.
I guess I just come off with an attitude most the time of “I don’t care” when that’s not always the truth… I just get so frustrated with how my mind won’t let me compute my emotions then I get angry at myself, not the person or situation. It’s almost like being locked up and being held prisoner inside your own head. Same thing applies with the whole “broken brain filter” or “cog-fog” issue.
If you really think about it, MS is inside our nervous system, so we’re being held back from doing certain things, accomplishing certain tasks, etc. But no one is physically holding us back, or keeping us locked down. It’s our heads, nervous system, whatever you want to refer to it as.
There was this video that I saw a while ago that was made for MS Awareness, that I felt really fit what I’m talking about right now. I have included it below... Now, let me just say that the video is kind of scary for some, and doesn’t really sit well with some… but it’s just want I’m trying to communicate in regards to my thoughts, emotions, etc. literally being stuck and not able to communicate them properly.
So, while I was looking for the video I posted above, I came across a series from MS Society of Australia called “Seeing MS”. This specific video is called “Seeing MS – EXPOSING THE INVISIBLE DISEASE”.
I’m definitely going to look into the whole series, but I always like sharing things I find online, and sharing them with my family and friends, and all of you.
That’s all for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful New Year thus far.
(click on my name above for ways to reach me, etc.)
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?