Purpose; Having a Hard Time Finding Meaning in Life
Before I get into this I just want to say, I was originally thinking of posting this on my personal blog but I thought it might be better fitted here. There is a much different audience here and the more I thought about it the more I realized a lot of people may be able to relate and start a conversation which may help way more than anything I could possibly say.
Since 2010 (when I was diagnosed) I have been through a lot in the world of Multiple Sclerosis. I may not have had this disease very long but I am told I have a very aggressive case of MS and so I have not had many “dull” moments over the years. Even so, I never let it get me too down. I always pushed through the thick of it and found a way to just make it all work.
This year has been different. My health took a bit of a dump and this has greatly got to my mental state of mind so it’s been really tough emotionally. I have always been able to find some sort of meaning or purpose to my life and my experiences but I am realizing that I just don’t feel it anymore. Everything feels so meaningless. I feel like I am serving no purpose in life. I know people will disagree and tell me I do a lot of good and help a lot of people just sharing my experiences but for what ever reason, it just has not felt “fulfilling” for a while. I no longer wake up and think “ok, how am I going to contribute to the world today?” and so it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to want to get up in the morning and I hate it. I hate feeling like if I was in a coma for a month the world would not be any different when I awake.
Now before you rush to the “Matt, you are just depressed” card let me assure you, I have dealt with severe depression since my early teens. I know the difference between “situational” depression and “biological” depression. This is situational. I am not happy with where my life is. I hate it and I want it to change but for once in my life I feel entirely lost as to how to get out of this rut I am in. I feel like I am playing a game of chess with life and all I have is a king left surrounded by 16 pieces from the other team. How can I possibly survive?
Blogging has been the center of my life, it was a passion, but lately it feels so “forced”, my personal blog has just fallen apart this year and now there are so many gaps in what I never mentioned and the thought of trying to “catch up” is just so overwhelming. I know I should see a therapist but I can’t drive right now and simply trying to get a ride down thee street to the store is a huge endeavor so forget therapy! All I know is if someone as stubborn and prideful as me is finally willing to admit I can no longer do this on my own, well, that is saying something.
I have no idea what other people with MS do and when they do it but surely we all run into this problem. These feelings… Again, it’s not a “chemical” depression, I have been on medication for as long as I can remember and I can’t recall the last time I woke up feeling depressed for no reason, I actually have reasons this time which is even worse because I do not know how to fix them. It’s not as simple as popping a pill, this requires me to change my life and how I interact with these problems. But as I said, I am totally at a loss for how to do that and I really feel like I am no longer the online influence in the world of MS that I once was. I feel like I have no voice. I feel like I just need a “clean slate”, wipe it all away and start fresh, but that’s impossible, so how do people do it?
Have you found yourself where I am now? Feeling utterly defeated in life with no idea how to get back ahead? How did you handle it? I usually try to give advice but this time? I am asking for it, I hate asking for help, but I know I need it. Thank you.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?