Sometimes There’s No Right Answer

I host my blog through tumblr because my brother was one of the original guys that started the site, and because it’s just an awesome site in general. One of the best features is the ability to send and receive messages, and choose to do so anonymously. If you ever e-mail me, or send me a message via facebook or tumblr I will always reply as soon as I possibly can. However, a couple of months ago I got a question that I never could bring myself to answer.

Anonymous: “If you could, would you give back MS and go back to being the person you were before?”

Me: 

Why didn’t I answer this question? At first I didn’t understand why I couldn’t bring myself to reply. Eventually I realized that I simply didn’t have the answer. On several occasions I sat down and attempted to write a well thought out reply, but I failed each time. Then I thought that I could make a list of pro’s and con’s which would lead to a tidy conclusion, but that failed too. A large part of the problem was that every time I sat down my answer was different, and my reply largely depended on the type of day I was having. All my answers were either too clinical or too emotional, too whiny or too self righteous.

Of course I would give it back. I’m young and starting my family and my career. I have student loans to pay off, and the world at my fingertips!

Of course I wouldn’t give it back. I love making a difference, and I feel like having MS is for the greater good! My life has more purpose than it ever has before!

Of course I would give it back. It’s painful, and frustrating, and emotionally draining at times.

Of course I wouldn’t give it back. Obstacles can bring out the best in you, and make you stronger (see: every inspirational quote about success ever written). Besides, life is messy and everyone has something so surely I can’t expect to be the exception to this rule.

Of course I would give it back. It is hard to see how much my family and friends worry about me.  It’s not fair to them, and my fiancé deserves someone healthy and uncomplicated.

Of course I wouldn’t give it back. It’s better to stick with the devil you know then the devil you don’t. At least I am prepared for my battles, which is better then being blindsided…right?

Of course I would give it back. It has cost me friendships, peace of mind, and my ability to walk straight. It makes me angry, and frustrated, and even sad at times.

Of course I wouldn’t give it back. I have gotten more from MS then it has taken from me. I’ve  found out who my real friends are, and I’m so grateful for all of the amazing people who have entered into my life as a result. I’m full of love and gratitude for everything I have. I don’t take things for granted, and I see the beauty in everyday things like never before. I can’t imagine giving all of these things up.

It sounds like such an easy question, yet I am still unable to answer it. It gnawed at me until I decided that I just had to let it sit there in my inbox, forever unanswered. I could feel the question taking away bits of my happiness, so I decided that it was ok for me to just let it go. I decided that it wasn’t healthy to linger in the land of “what if” and “if only”.  I decided to keep trying to be the best version of myself every day, flaws and all! MS isn’t the only challenge I have faced, or will ever face. All I can do is live in the present, and tackle things one at a time as they come.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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