That Darn Photograph

Exactly how I happened upon it I’m not exactly sure, but there it was… A picture of me at work. The memories came rushing back, and I relished in them. It made me smile. I remembered the day, having my coworker wanting to take the picture that morning, the outfit, how much I enjoyed my job, how I felt when I was able to work…

I stumbled on this photograph

It kinda made me laugh

It took me way back

Back down memory lane

How I used to be

I was posed standing in my office, in front of my desk – not a single mobility assistive device present. I stood straight and tall, not holding on to or propped up on anything. I was dressed smartly in a cute just-above-the-knee dress with a blazer and knee high riding boots. Though I fondly recall those good ole days, the recollection also highlights the ‘other’ side I live with at this juncture. That particular outfit is not one of my ‘wheelchair friendly’ outfits. Chronic bilateral foot and ankle edema from being sedentary so often prevents me from wearing my footwear of choice, and no way can I stand unassisted anymore. Or work. The memories and contrast of then and now all infiltrated my mental rolodex.

Why oh why

Did I have to find this photograph

Thought I had forgot the past

But now I’m slippin’ fast

Back down memory lane

I feel the happiness…

I feel the pain

Here am I…

Back down memory lane

Redirecting my thoughts

I try to regulate when I allow myself to think back, to travel down memory lane. There are times when it’s ok, but definitely times it’s not. Admittedly, there are times I feel a bit doleful. Remembering the pre-MS or pre-MS progression days, like that darn photograph highlighted, when life was so much easier in so many ways does nothing to bring me cheer. Never wanting to stay despondent, it’s those times that I desperately try to redirect my focus to new life pleasures – because I definitely have some.

I’m in the sunshine…

I’m in the rain

I don’t want to go traveling down

Faster than the speed of sound

Back down memory lane

Be still my foolish heart

Don’t let this feelin’ start

Back down memory lane

I don’t want to go… save me, save me

Being transparent

I don’t want to be mistaken for a grinch or considered forlorn. Nor do I mean to sound bitter. This is just me being transparent. My reality is that I am living with a chronic, debilitating disease and although I manage pretty well with mood, attitude and spirit, there’ll be something that threatens my newly adapted comfort zone by way of a random memory of yesteryear such as a song, an article of clothing … or a darn photograph.

{Song: Memory Lane; Artist: Minnie Riperton}

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Comments

View Comments (8)
  • Kristi
    6 months ago

    I did not know that was a song,
    I thought your writing was just that poetic.
    Thanks for sharing! **giggle**

  • Dianne Scott author
    5 months ago

    Hi @krisanne74
    Oh how I wish! Lol
    Thanks though..
    Dianne ♡

  • LuvMyDog
    6 months ago

    Dianne, I am now 72 years old. I was diagnosed with MS at the age of 34. I can’t help thinking about my past and everything that MS eventually robbed me of.
    I make an effort not to dwell on it but there are some things I miss so much….the beach, the ocean, hiking on a beautiful Summer day, I was an outdoors person and now if the temp’s go above 65 degrees I’m stuck inside the majority of the time, the heat and humidity make me so weak and miserable, I can’t do anything.
    Photography has been my hobby for decades and I have thousands of pictures and each one, I remember when it was taken, how I felt at that moment. That can be pretty depressing now.
    MS is an ugly visitor into our lives, one that we didn’t invite and can’t make go away.

  • Dianne Scott author
    5 months ago

    Hello @caninemom6142 ,

    Yes, totally agree with you – especially about MS being an ugly (& might I add unwanted) visitor in our lives. Let’s both stay strong and encouraged as we fight tgrough this awful disease.
    Best wishes,
    Dianne ♡

  • KarenLoftus
    6 months ago

    Ah… well written, Dianne. Thank you. For the most part, I don’t think about my life pre-MS. It’s taken a lot to adjust and there’s been loss. And here are also blessings and new joys and opportunities. It’s better for me to focus on them.

    However, like you, a small thing – a smell, a song, a photograph – can remind me of ‘before’. Lots of factors then determine the outcome of that particular ‘visit’. MS is so complicated v( ‘.’ )v

  • Dianne Scott author
    5 months ago

    Hi @karenloftus ,

    I, too, try to focus on the ‘good’ stuff, but like you..that one little thing can randomly present itself and then, …….
    Such is life now, but I fight through those times like I fight thru this disease. MS won’t steal my spirit!
    Thanks for reading!
    Stay strong,
    Dianne ♡

  • dhortho1
    6 months ago

    Dianne,
    What a wonderful post. I don’t have MS but there are times I find myself heading down “Memory Lane” unwillingly but there I go. They were mostly good times and memories back there but it isn’t wise for me to dwell there — kind of hard to understand.

    That darn photograph — beautiful piece.

    David

  • Dianne Scott author
    5 months ago

    Hi David,
    Thanks so much.. I’m pleased that you enjoyed my article and identified with it despite not having MS.
    Take care,
    Dianne ♡

    @dhortho1

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