How does it feel today?
I have such a challenging time describing how my body feels on a day to day basis.
I think I am doing so well today. I am moving more than I was before, I have more time to spend doing things I like or might like to do.
I find that the more time I spend looking at what I am or can do, I spend less time on looking back at yesterday, to what I could do.
I could work a full-time job, I could get my family to everything they needed to be at. I could even get them there without too much incident.
Incidents that include, trying to organize my ex-husband to meet his responsibilities. Incidents like kids forgetting the one thing they needed for school that day and driving back from work, 30 minutes out of my day to get it for them.
Forget that I could run, if I wanted. Not saying that I did that on a regular basis, which instead of could, should have done.
Forget that I could read and think straight for more than a fleeting period. Forget that I could feel the intimate touches of my husband.
Or, that I even could drive in a car, to where I wanted or needed to go, when I needed or wanted to go.
I could have done a lot of things. I should have done more. I should have gone to University and completed a degree. There was no reason not to. I could have gotten loans. I should have, but, life as it does gets in the way. The need to be grown up now, but not with responsibility for actions.
I should have spent more time with my kids, electronic free.
I should have pushed them more when it came to doing something they didn’t want to.
I should have fought more for them against the culture of disregard, bullying, disrespectful and self-importance.
I should have done more.
But, should’s and could’s from the past do not make for the must’s and can’s of today or the will do’s of the future.
We can sit and beat ourselves up for our perceived mistakes. But, what does that accomplish?
We can learn from our past, not what we think of as mistakes and become better because of them.
Making choices to do or not do something does have circumstances. But, that does not mean that we do not take the joy of each of those should have’s or shouldn’t haves.
Those moments where we were frazzled and yelled or should have gone for a run, but had a glass of wine, those are in the past. Let them go.
Learn and move on.
Be curious if you would do the same thing over again if you could, but, know that you can’t so, get over it.
When I talk about myself today, what am I doing, how do I feel, where am I going to be next year? I am struck by how different my life is today than it was a year ago.
I am still not working. I should be able to go to work!! I should! I am a smart, bright, intelligent woman.
At least, I used to be. But, in my head, I still am.
Trying to describe myself is difficult. I can only explain a feeling about how my muscles and body feel today.
As a waterbaby, all my life, I have loved being in the water. I was in swim club, lifesaving courses, lifeguard, water instructor, advanced leader, supervisor, water chemistry extraordinaire.
I say this to give myself some sort of credit to my knowledge of water and physics as it relates to floating.
I am a floater. I have the physical body composition that without much effort, I can float and not move in the water.
It is an incredible feeling.
Being buoyant, with no assistance. It is the closest, I believe, you can get to embryonic or in utero state.
Things are quiet, yet, you can hear, in a distant, safe way.
There is a physical attribute that happens to bodies when they go into water. It is called hydro-static tension or pressure.
It is where the water provides external force on the body allowing it to not be bound as strongly to the gravitational pull of the earth.
Why do I go into such detail on this fact?
Well, because it helps to explain how it feels for me, today, to float.
It feels, that when I float in a bathtub or a pool and just allow myself to be supported. It allows the muscles in my neck, shoulders and back to finally release.
It is as if, the hydrostatic pressure from the water is just enough release from gravity to allow the muscles to be at rest.
There are a lot of things that I can’t do today and might not be able to do tomorrow or next year.
But, that does not mean that I will not “do” what I can today.
I need to remember the “should’s” and “want to’s”. I need to remember that I don’t get gold stars for being a hero, I am not in the forces.
I need to be kind to myself, loving and firm to my children, supportive and encouraging to my husband, learn from my past, be curious about everything and be as active and engaged in my life as I can, in all my today’s and tomorrow’s.