No one-person-pity-party here!

I’ve had MS for 20 yrs, the first 14 yrs my diagnosis was ‘possible MS’ and symptoms were mild. I learned about the condition without obsessing about it. Then 6 years ago more intense issues came on and I got the final diagnosis. I started treatment right away. I never let MS get to me, I informed only family & close friends. I managed to continue working thru all this time with an occasional inpatient hospital stay for IV steroids to calm attacks.

Upon diagnosis my dad called to give a little advice. He said ‘whatever happens, never feel sorry for yourself because it’ll depress you, your husband will feel down, your children will too, it’ll spread to your whole household, which will not help anything.’ I took that to heart, but that one day I decided to let myself get upset about this MS- thing for one day only. I cried for hours, not in a ‘woe is me’ manner, more like ‘oh crap, how’s this going to end up & I don’t want anything affecting my family’. When I woke the next day, I stuck to my dad’s advice and never let myself feel bad about it. If I told a family member or friend about issues I was having, I relayed them as sharing info, not complaining.

I ALWAYS thought & often said ‘it could be worse’. Now here is the problem with that…I’ve recently developed a psychiatric issue called Depersonalization disorder which is a result of me stuffing any ‘bad’ feelings about my MS way down inside because after all, it could be worse, right?! Now I also get episodes of feeling like my mind detaches from my body, I’m seeing things but feels like I’m looking thru someone else’s eyes. Not very fun, when it first began in May of this year I went to the ER & was admitted cause I had symptoms of a stroke.

Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke and is not a symptom of MS, it’s a psych issue. I still can’t shake these episodes nor can I go thru the emotions I’m holding in, which will rid these episodes. These along with MS worsening has caused me to leave my job at the age of 50. I’m not happy about it, I planned on having a mild course of MS and work until retirement age. But like I’ve heard once, the only predictable thing about MS is its unpredictability. How true that is!!

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