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Am I being unfair?

  • By Saffie_in_America

    Me and my then pregnant wife moved back from Scotland last year, staying with her in-laws. My wife then gave birth to our first child last September. However with the run up to the birth of our daughter, my wife had a serious MS relapse, leaving her pretty much bedridden for the first 3-4 months after our daughter was born. The good news is she is able to walk short distances with a rollator and a cane now and is able to pick up our baby daughter now to move her say from the crib to the bed or from the car seat to the couch. She has also started to drive again, so slowly but surely her independence is returning.

    After staying with the in-laws in rural Kentucky for more than a year now, I am so desperately wanting for us to buy a house closer into civilization in Louisville, where I work. But my wife wants us to buy a house near her in-laws, as she is afraid of MS fatigue and jeopardizing the safety of our daughter while she looks after her at home. Plus the in-laws wont want to drive into Louisville to help as it would be a good 40 miles for them.

    Is it wrong for me, who is a city kind of guy, to not want to compromise on the location of us buying our home? Furthermore I want our child to live and go to school in the more diverse Jefferson county where Louisville is, instead of the “over white” Bullitt county as I view it.

    As I mentioned earlier, I am South African/ British expat who I feel has given up a great deal to come and stay in America and also abandoned a career change, so I can try and be the best husband to support my wife and daughter. Therefore am I really asking too much for my wife to try accept living in the city or are her fears genuine and I need to compromise?

    Any advise from spouses in similar situations would be greatly helpful.

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  • By Kim Dolce Moderator

    Hello Saffie!

    You are not wrong to want city life and its advantages. However, as a person living with MS, I totally understand your wife’s wish to live closer to people who can be there for her as a safety net for both her worse MS days and for help as a disabled new mother caring for a baby.

    The compromise I see for you is to live where your wife feels safest for now. The two of you could discuss a five-year plan. In five years, when your child becomes school age, your wife’s condition and self-confidence might be much-improved and she might be amenable to moving closer to the city. That way, your wish for your child’s socialization can take shape and you can enjoy city life. This way, both of you can have it the way you want it, just not all at once.

    I know you’ll work it out. There are solutions to this. Best of luck to you!

    Kim, moderator

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  • By Nobu

    Being in a larger city may give her more access to care and treatment. Where is her MS doc or does she have one. And how old are the parents – they may not be able to be helpful as long as she might hope for, and she may and up having to assist them. I think it would be helpful for her to talk to some other MS’ers in person and some professionals so she gets some other opinions.

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