caret icon Back to all discussions

What do we do for my sister who does not want to stay in a nursing home?

My sister is 55 and has MS. We had to put her in a nursing home because we could no longer take care of her. She cries and begs for somebody to take her home. She does not want to stay there. It is ripping us apart. We don't know what to do.

My sister's husband promised her from day one that he would not put her in a nursing home, but it has come down to he had to put her in a nursing home because she needs the care that cannot be provided to her by being in her home. She is so angry. She tells her husband he is no good and just runs him down. He is so broke to have to put her there but he had no choice.

What do we do? She does nothing but cry and plead to take her home.

  1. My heart breaks for all of you. This is such a difficult situation. You cannot change how your sister feels but what you can do is work with the people at the center to help with her adjustment to her new location. What is needed is time and some help to get to the route of her fears about being in her new location. She is suffering from fear and grief and needs time to process through those issues. Here is some of what she is likely experiencing:

    Fear: that she will be abandoned by her family, that she is getting worse and being put there to die, that the staff will neglect her and she will suffer, etc.

    Grief: she is losing her "things", what's familiar to her, immediate access to her family, loss of trust in those she thought would always be there to care.

    Emotions are not rational. She may rationally know her husband can no longer provide 24/7 care for her but her fears make her irrational for now. If the facililty has a transition assistance plan or you could get a counselor to help her talk through the transition, you would see her adjust much better.

    I hope that helps give you some insight into what might help her adjust. She's more afraid than angry; it's just showing up as anger.

    1. I am 52 and have MS. I am doing OK. I had a terrible flare up a few months ago. I almost died. Thank God my husband is an Angel. He sat by my side for 4 months. He refused to give up on me. I am blessed because without him, I wouldn't be here. I feel for the poor woman and completely understand her anger. Have you looked into home health care? Medicaid and medicare offer programs that will pay a professional or even a family member to be a caregiver. It is is a way to bring her home. She shouldn't have to be in a nursing home. I'd give up too, if I had to be with a bunch of old people. There are new meds out, has she been communicating with her doctor,? I just started on Aubagio. A pill each day. I was on it 2 weeks and felt better. I'm almost back to my normal after being so sick. Please, check out other options
      Call human services and ask about home health care caregivers programs. The nursing home would be a good place to inquire. Remember, she can get better. Stress and the nursing home is a death sentence. Please reconsider.

      1. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I hope that the family does have an option to help her get out of the nursing home but having worked with similiar situations, I am very aware that often it comes down to the caregiver having to make a choice betweeen either putting someone in a facility so they can get some rest since they are literally working 24/7 and caring for the family member every day while trying to also work a job (to maintain insurance and a home for themselves and the family member) or physically destroying themselves or losing that job. Many times their employer has given them a final warning to shape up performance or their doctor has told them to find a way to get some rest or die themselves. The choices are not easy for any of them. It's not always that way. Sometimes it's a selfish decision, but sometimes its necessary but tragic.

    2. Ms is unpredictable. Check out the new meds. At least remember 55 is way to young to be swept under the rug. The stress alone can kill her. Get her home,.

      or create an account to reply.