The emotional toll
Sad to say that last night, after hours of my zings and zappers and spasticity going absolutely haywire... I was so exhausted and couldn't relax, I wanted sleep but couldn't even lean back, I just had an ugly cry. I knew I had to wake up less than four hours later, had been experiencing severe symptoms all day and just reached the emotional breaking point. Today, I feel... lighter. I've been bottling up the worry and the sad and the pain for a while now, I absolutely hate crying. Not because it shows weakness, and not because I'm truly a really ugly crier (the whole works, sobbing and snotty and gasping and everything), but because it literally hurts the next day. I can't fully open my eyes, I can't breathe through my nose. I get the sinus headache and honestly feel a little hungover. So I push it down and bottle it up and last night it exploded. Because I was tired. And I felt frustrated that I couldn't make my body behave. I couldn't stop being in the way.
Today I apologized for really no reason to the hubby for having my emotional break, and he was so kind and just told me to be whatever I needed.
I don't even know why I'm sharing this moment of vulnerability other than it's been bothering me all day. I feel like people are expected to be stoic and showing emotions is looked down upon. But last night I truly felt the grief that I've been stifling. And today was rough, but emotionally I feel better.
I am sending love to anyone and everyone who has or is experiencing something similar. 💜💜
thank you for your willingness to share such a raw and relatable moment. It's moments like these that are rarely shared with one another, but help us all to feel less alone. The reality is, we all have them, so we thank you for your courage to give voice to these moments.
You alway have a such a great way of sharing moments like these with our community. It's truly a gift. That said, we're of course sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a build up of emotions.
Living with MS, we carry a lot of emotions, so its important to have healthy outlets in which we can share and release them. Is there anything that helps you to catch the emotions a bit early before they build up?Personally, getting outside in any capacity - whether its for a short walk or simply sitting on the porch - feels good physically, mentally and emotionally. It doesn't always have to be a big step or a big practice, but having something to manage the day to day emotions is helpful.
Thanks again for opening up this important conversation. We're sending you lots of support and comfort today.
Best
Alene, Moderatorthank you for your kind words. I have always found my strength in allowing myself to be vulnerable and voicing my truth. On that particular night, the emotional buildup took all of maybe an hour, in the middle of the night. So my emotional outlets were really not options for me at that moment. And that's kind of what I really wanted to highlight, how fast it can come and how we can react after.
I will get in my car, park on an empty stretch of road, and turn up the music. Then I'll scream when I'm angry, I'll sing my soul out when I'm sad, I'll give myself space to be alone. But middle of the night, that's a bad idea 🤣.
I'm still working out the mobility and the balance, otherwise I love to walk out the stress.
I feel that it is so important for us to really accept our feelings and validate them. Sure, figure out what the cause of the feeling or feelings is, but give ourselves the permission to experience them. And that night, I gave myself permission to react to the symptoms I was experiencing and the struggles I experienced throughout the day. Usually I turn to writing, that's been my passion for most of my life, but every once in a while, ya just have to ugly cry.
Fall is a tricky time for me emotionally. I lost my older brother 13 years ago, unexpectedly, and his birthday was just 4 days from mine, so we had always shared our celebration on a convenient weekend in October. I lost my Dad Thanksgiving night nearly two years ago. You get the beauty of autumn and the promise of a new year. You get the smells of wood fires and cooler nights. So I feel so much joy and so much sadness simultaneously.
I'm rambling a little now, today was another taxing day at work and this response is my outlet right now. 💜 I love this community, and I hope that my contributions can resonate with some.
Again, thank you, and so much love and respect 💜oh, and I forgot to mention the uncertainty. That played a huge toll on me recently, and still does. Being in such a volatile election year, with public people being charged with heinous crimes, the hurricane season severely affecting the people that I love and the places I became a real person has been so hard to watch. I refuse to talk politics with people I don't know because those conversations are generally not worth it. But to see the devastation from hurricane Helene, the places and people that are changed forever.
My first real punk rock show was in Ashville, and I took my younger brother. It was a truly bonding experience at a transformative time in both of our lives. I hitchhiked along interstate 40, 26, 95, all of them in the early 2000's . The entirety of the blue ridge parkway is closed until further notice, and that is where I went to really find my soul and heal. Yes, it's been years, and I am now 2500 miles away, but it still hurts my heart and soul to see this unfolding.
Like I said before, I go raw and real. And I care very deeply. Having spent so much time traveling the country with next to nothing, I connect with every place that I have gone. And I am so moved everytime something happens to a place I'm so connected with. All I want to do right now is drop everything, take a flight, and help with the rescue and restoration efforts. It kills me that I don't have the means or physical ability.
Again, I write a book. But I feel that authenticity is the best path to take. 💜💜
