13 Going on 30

Have you ever seen the movie 13 Going on 30? It’s a movie that came out in 2004, which is ironically the year I was diagnosed with MS. It has always been one of my favorites. The film is about a 13-year-old girl who wants so badly to be popular. On her 13th birthday, she finds some magic wishing dust and makes a wish to be 30. Her wish comes true, and she sees a glimpse into her possible future. As a 30-year-old, she has everything she could ever dream of: the perfect job, fun, flashy friends, popularity, and a pro athlete boyfriend. She’s “30, flirty, and thriving.” She’s the exact opposite of who she was growing up and thinks that she’s found her fairytale ending. However, by the end of the movie, she realizes those things will not make her happiest after all.

Turning 30 and reflecting on my life

I just turned 30 this month. I have everything I could have dreamed of and more if I would have had magical wishing dust at 13. I once dreamed of having everything I have today. I have a family, good friends, and a happy, beautiful life. However, my life story has a little kink in it. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at 14. Of course, if I had the chance, I would wish this disease away. I would wish that no one would have to experience this or any other debilitating, incurable illness.

Overcoming challenges has shaped my experiences

I often look back on challenging life experiences, though, and as much as I want to go back for a redo, I wonder if I would be where I am today without them. I wonder how much differently my story would have turned out. Who would I have been without those moments that shaped me the most?

Diagnosed with MS as a teenager

I want to say that I would turn out to be a great person, but I’ll never know the person I would have become before MS came into the picture. My diagnosis came when my friends and classmates only had to worry about the cute outfit they were going to wear to school or if the boy they liked also liked them. The only concern they had for their future was wondering what college they would go to or who they would marry one day. It came at an age where instead of having the maturity to face it, I buried it deep down so no one else would know. Yes, I worried about all the same things my friends did, but I also fretted over the future of my health.

Terrified of my future

I dreaded going to MS events that my mom forced me to go to because I knew that I would see people in wheelchairs and people who wanted to talk to me about the disease. I had no desire to relate to them when it was the thing I despised most about myself. It wasn’t that I held any prejudice against them, but I was terrified of seeing them as a young girl because that meant I would have to face my possible future. It terrified me as a teenage girl to think that I could end up in a wheelchair one day. Interacting with them meant I would have to think about having MS and accept it.

I didn’t like to talk about my MS

Now, of course, I see how my parents were trying to be proactive and help me, but back then, it felt like they were suffocating me with the truth that I didn’t want to have to bear. I struggled a lot for many years. I took my medication and went in for MRIs and to see my specialist like I was supposed to. I gave myself the shots that left painful whelps and dents in my young, unflawed skin. Yet, even while doing all those things, I never talked about my diagnosis unless I had to. I would make new friends or date boys throughout high school or college and wait until I knew they would stick around before I would tell them I had MS. With each new person I met, my MS was like this ticking timebomb of anxious energy in my chest.

I wanted to be “normal”

I would always wonder if once I told them my “secret,” if they would still like me the same. I despised sympathy or pity and feared telling anyone because I hated the typical reaction of, “Oh, I’m so sorry” or, “What is MS? I’ve never heard of that before.” I didn’t want to explain; I just wanted to be normal and talk about the latest gossip or the great new movie in theaters.

I felt trapped in my body

What I hated the most is people thinking I meant muscular dystrophy, and as soon as I would tell them, they would think I was going to die. I was supposed to be young and carefree. I didn’t want people thinking I was on my deathbed. It was never a comfortable nor pleasant conversation. All these things led me to go down a rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I was a miserable person stuck in a body that I didn’t want to be in, a body that had failed me at a time where I should have been focusing on other things. I felt like instead of being stuck in a teenage dream, I was in a nightmare that I could never escape, and the first half of my twenties, I felt much the same.

The turning point

It wasn’t until I met my husband, gave birth to my son, and joined this community of beautiful people that I realized how silly I had been to hide my MS all of those years. I finally concluded that suppressing my emotions and hiding my diagnosis ultimately led to so many poor life choices and psychological pain. If I would have just owned it sooner, then maybe things would have gone differently. There are so many questions and what-ifs for my past, but all I can do now is focus on the future.

I am stronger, kinder, more compassionate

I can confidently say at 30 that I am a stronger woman because of the things I have experienced. I am a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, and mother because I know what it feels like to go through difficult circumstances. I have more compassion and empathy for others and a fire deep within that has a raging passion for helping others in the same shoes. I have more patience and sympathy. I try never to judge someone for their actions or outbursts because I have no idea what battles they might be facing. I am kinder and more considerate. I know that I want to raise my kids to learn about disabilities and love everyone equally despite their differences.

I wonder what the next 10 years will hold

I’m not perfect by any means, and I still have my days, but overall, I am glad I wasn’t able to wish MS away. If I could wish for anything, it would be that I could have a glimpse into the future and see how much I grow in 10 more years. I still have fears of losing my mobility and the physical freedom that I have today. However, now I have the maturity and enough life experience under my belt. I know that I will be alright, even if the worst does happen. I know 30 to most doesn’t seem old, but I feel much older because of the road I’ve been down. I don’t just feel older physically, but also older because of the wisdom I’ve gained along the way.

30 and thriving

Just like in 13 Going On 30, if I had the chance to wish to be someone else, it would have its perks, but I would be missing out on my becoming. Sometimes trying to change the circumstances that have molded you can cause you to miss out on the fairytale that’s right in front of you the entire time. Having MS is no fairytale, but living life with it really can be. And for that, I am fully embracing being 30 and thriving, even with multiple sclerosis.

With love,
Calie