Sorry, I Can’t Go

I have never been much of a social butterfly. Being primarily an introvert means that a lot of social interaction zaps me of energy. I am rarely super excited to go to parties. I dread it until I go and then I cannot wait to go home. That doesn’t mean that in between those two I did not enjoy myself. Home and a nice chunk of solitude turn my crank.

MS-enforced isolation

The weird thing is that I am not accepting of the fact that multiple sclerosis has curtailed what little social interactions I did chose to have. It is a different animal to decline an invitation out of desire than it is to decline out of need. Before my MS symptoms began to interfere with daily life I had a choice. If I were interested, I would go. These days I am in a position where that choice is sometimes taken away for me.

Getting spoiled online

With the advent of vaccines, most organizations and people are geared up for in-person contact. They have missed the face-to-face socializing taken away by the pandemic. What they lost during that time is what I gained. The tables are turning and I am the one who will be missing out. My spirit is willing, but my MS body is weak.

The era of COVID moved all in-person activities online. A plethora of meetings and events were laid out like a small buffet. I could survey the table. I could pick and choose what I wanted. It was not as if I were in popular demand and had too many options. I had enough to choose from that I did not feel deprived. The ability to participate online was freeing. I was in the ring with everyone else and not sitting on the sidelines. I was spoiled by the pandemic. I did not see what was coming around the corner.

Lost opportunities

There are two very different events that have broken my heart. The event themselves are spectacular. It is my inability to be in the mix that finally hurt the most. It was not a matter of me not wanting to attend. It was multiple sclerosis that made the decision for me that broke my heart.

Art exhibit

I genuinely appreciate Vincent Van Gogh. As someone who is severely nearsighted, I appreciated his artistic vision, so to speak. At this point, I have given up the notion of long-distance airplane flights. I excepted that seeing Van Gogh’s artwork in person was likely not going to happen. Ever. But this fall there were two immersive experiences that I wanted to go to. I had a few months to attend both events. As you can guess I never made it to either one. Various wellness issues due to MS kept me away.

Advocacy event

My next opportunity was to advocate in Washington, DC. This consortium would meet for two days and have a congressional visit component. Words can barely explain how much I wanted to go. Accommodations for disabled individuals would be available. I have traveled while living with MS but this time no accommodation would be enough. Multiple sclerosis interfered with my attendance. It was painful and wounding to understand that I could not simply power through. Sheer will alone has helped me before. Not this time. Multiple sclerosis laughed at me and won.

The net effect

Missing out on these two events was the first time I deeply felt pain from not being able to go. I am not belittling the other occasions I chose not to attend. Some of those were close to my heart. Yet, it was two immersive Vincent Van Goghs and a D.C. trip that reinforced the effects of MS. They were the first time that I could not use the force of will to overcome my multiple sclerosis liabilities. My being powerless was a stinging rebuke of my aversion to public events. If I was going to be a homebody, multiple sclerosis said it was going to be my constant companion.

I will have to make peace with this part of multiple sclerosis. I am involuntarily declining personal invitations and travel opportunities. “Sorry, I can’t go” is my newest mantra. I need to practice more because I see a future where I use that phrase a lot more.