My New Life-Long Goal is to be Boring
“What did you do over the weekend?” someone would ask me. In the past, I remember answering that question by saying that I saw a new movie, went out for lunch, hung out with some friends, went on a hike and/or probably a bunch of other outgoing stuff which, at the time, seemed relatively mundane to me because that’s just what I did on a regular basis. I was so active, and I was always moving! Now, thanks to Multiple Sclerosis (MS), just the idea of doing any of that stuff seems utterly exhausting so I have very little (if any) interest in it.
I never wanted life to be boring
But I could literally just sit here and list examples of all the things that I used to do on a weekly basis that used to just be part of my typical routine because I always wanted to be doing something; I always wanted to have stuff to talk about. I didn’t want to be that boring guy who never did anything but sit around the house and watch TV, especially because I used to find that so boring! I was so go-go-go! I wanted to be the guy who was always out being social or going on some epic outdoor-adventure with friends. I just wanted to be active and always have something new to tell people about. I wanted my life to be exciting and I wanted it to be interesting; I did not want it to be boring.
After MS entered the picture
Well, I guess I technically got what I asked for. After I was diagnosed with MS, my life definitely became “exciting” - just not in the way I wanted. I also always had something new to tell people about, just not the kind of stuff people usually (I imagine) enjoy listening to. I guess I should have been more specific when asking life for something to keep me busy. Telling people how I spent my week in the hospital getting an infusion of Solu-Medrol is not exactly the kind of thing you feel proud to brag about, though I guess being able to pronounce (and define) “dysdiadochokinesia” (ooh, and surprisingly spell, go me?) is kind of cool because I just sound ever so smart. In your early 20s, telling all your friends that you were in the hospital because you crashed your motorcycle in some super crazy, adrenaline-fueled, off-roading race that left you with a totally gnarly scar might have seemed kind of cool, but frankly, telling people you were in the hospital again because of an illness is… not.
Worn out by the "excitement" of MS
But I’m not like that anymore, by which I mean, constantly craving something to do. For the last 4 years or so, I have just been so worn out by the amount of “excitement” MS has brought into my daily life that sometimes it feels like all I do is dream about being able to do nothing; just go to bed early, sleep in so that I can finish that really weird dream without my alarm ripping me out of it, lie around the house, watch some Netflix, and eat only when I feel hungry (not when my alarm tells me I need to eat). I can hardly imagine a day where I am not constantly made aware of the time due to my many alarms telling me it’s time to wake up, time to take pills, time to eat, time to go to a doctor’s appointment, time to do labs, time to stretch, time to something-something-something. It’s always something and never something I want to do.
Stressed out about how I am feeling
And if I am not stressed out about my daily schedule I am probably stressed out about how I am feeling. Insomnia, fatigue, weird tremors, sound sensitivity, the occasional neuropathic pain that feels like a bolt of lightning just stabbed me on the side of my face, you know, normal stuff. It’s always something, and I am tired of it. I am tired of dealing with it and I am tired of talking about it. Maybe people found some of the weird neurological stuff that I was experiencing kind of interesting at first, but I am sure it got really old really quick because it seems like that is all I ever have to talk about when someone asks me about my week.
Being healthy enough to be boring
My new life-long goal is to be healthy enough to be boring. I just want that option on the table, you know? I don’t really care if people think I am exciting anymore, I just want to feel like I don’t always have something health-related to worry and stress about even if that means I am utterly boring. Is that asking for too much?
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?