Lost and Found

Whenever I think of lost and found, I equate it with a tangible location where lost items are located and set aside. Most often they are returned to the rightful owner. What a great feeling to have in your possession an item that you thought was gone for good! However, for the purpose of this writing, I am referring to a deeper meaning of lost and found. The holiday season is among us, and for many, it is a difficult time of reflection, longing, and loss. The memories of yesterday bring both comfort and grief while tomorrow seems as though it is out of reach. The intent of this article is to explain that loss and discovery can coexist. In loss, I have found the true meaning of life.

The holiday season was once a joyous occasion

I received my MS diagnosis during the holiday season in 2014. During this time, my sister, who has since passed on, was battling Multiple Myeloma. Added to that devastation were the siblings and other loved ones that are no longer here. The holiday season was once a joyous occasion. Today, not so much. Family gatherings remind me of loved ones lost. Fatigue, pain, and anxiety stifle the resemblance of the person I used to be. It seems as though I spend more time nursing my heartache, holding onto memories I wish were still my reality. This is the crippling, lifelong cycle of grief. Proof that where there was great love and affection, there is monumental loss when it ceases to exist. I have learned to sit with and process my grief without apology or explanation. The right has been earned with every teardrop and goodbye.

A stronger version of myself

I lost much. My loved ones' absence have left wounds that will never fully heal. Life as I knew it, before chronic pain and multiple sclerosis accompanied me on this beautifully difficult journey, was gone. There were devastating realizations that left me in pieces, solely to erect a stronger, more compassionate version of myself. 

Finding my voice

As I ponder my losses, I also consider the things I found along the way. I discovered the power of my voice. I was always outspoken but could not embrace the effect that authenticity has. My quest to live out loud is never for applause, it is solely for good cause. It is to unmask the “life is perfect” fallacy and to portray the facets of life that cannot be reduced to a meme, tagline, hashtag or an illusion. I discovered the courage to free myself from the judgment and expectations of others, realizing that no one can define me. I found acceptance in "owning" all of me. Most importantly I found my purpose. Picasso so eloquently stated “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” I revel in this sentiment. My voice is my gift and my purpose is to uplift, inspire, and to be an agent for change through transparency and activism.

I am thankful

For every lesson learned, I am grateful. Through grief, in the midst of the holiday season, during the occurrences of everyday life and through all heartbreaking and jubilant moments, I am thankful. When I am in excruciating pain and MS symptoms flare, I encourage myself by praying for strength to withstand. I was created by love and it engulfs me. My life and truth are not a contradiction. I am the depiction of humanity in its truest form: rare, beautiful, difficult, challenging, hopeful and persevering.

Loss is never easy

In closing, even as I reflect on what I have lost, my life is not a tragedy. I am triumphant. As the holiday season passes and I am met with sacred memories, gratitude, and grief, I confess that loss is never easy. I recognize the immeasurable value of all I have found.

Thank you for welcoming me into your thoughts. I wish you peace, happiness, comfort on the difficult days and all that you need to withstand. Give yourself permission to process what was lost and to appreciate all things found.