It's Not Because I'm Naughty...

By Calie Wyatt

4 min read

I think all of us at one time or another in life wonder why we are faced with certain ailments and problems. Sometimes things happen we just cannot understand. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, a physical problem/illness, an acute pain or relational difficulties, these things we face seem cruel and unfair. It’s true, it seems like bad things happen to good people. No, I’m not perfect in any sense, but I strive daily to be the best person that I can be. And, throughout my life, I have wondered, why me? No one in my family history has MS, I had barely even heard of it, yet here I was being diagnosed. It was a real slap in the face. I rely a lot on my faith, and have even questioned God at times. It does bother me that people-even me-seem to suffer undeserving circumstances throughout life.

Why was I chosen for this?

I am a very compassionate, empathetic person. I love hard and I’m a good listener. I do my best to help whenever I can, be polite, considerate and kind to others and their feelings. I try not to complain, and I’m loyal to people, even those who have hurt me. I don’t ask for a lot, because in my opinion, I’ve been given a great life. But, that life came with its own set of hardships and one of those was being diagnosed with MS at 14. I was raised in a good home; I made good grades and was kind, why was I chosen for this? As Christmas season is upon us it reminds me a lot of Santa giving the stocking full of coal. I didn’t do anything horrible growing up, I was an overall pretty great kid, but here I was being handed the stocking full of coal for no good reason. I wasn’t on the naughty list, why was I deserving of something so life-altering?

There isn’t always a clear answer

Over the years of questioning, I’ve learned the obvious-there isn’t always a clear answer as to why some things happen. Unfortunately, they just do. It’s a lot like when you are sick or hurting, but you can’t figure out why. You know something is wrong, but not knowing exactly the cause gives us anxiety. When the pain is explained, and we know why it is happening, then suddenly it doesn’t seem as bad anymore. Now that there is an explanation, the pain is still there, but somehow it seems more tolerable. If we could make sense of all tragedy like this, it would be easier to rationalize it. We wouldn’t have as many questions as to why, and we could move on. I had some answers after diagnosis, but it still didn’t explain why I was given a generally hereditary disease when no one in my family had faced it. It was confusing and especially difficult because it was new to everyone. All of my loved ones gathered around me to step into a foreign territory and help me find the right path. And then one day, I realized; it wasn't anything I did, there isn't a clear answer as to why, but this is my life now.

I needed to redirect my life

So, I decided after all of those years of questioning to stop…to stop asking questions I knew I would probably never find answers to. Instead, I decided to take my source of anger and anxiety and turn it into something good. I needed to redirect my life and turn what I was dealt with into something useful. Suffering will always exist, we all suffer. But after years of watching people and mere strangers turn their suffering into something bigger, like helping others go through something similar I decided it was time I took action. That is ultimately when I decided to reach out and share my story. I longed to help teenagers much like myself at diagnosis and even adults diagnosed with MS unexpectedly. We are all different in our experiences with MS, but I do believe we all have one common goal-to fight this and to one day find a cure. No one deserves illness, no one deserves pain. Obviously no one with life changing diagnosis would have deliberately chosen that for their life. Most of all, none of us have done anything to deserve this. It just happened, but together we can lean on each other to help get through the questions and the confusion. With a little help and support, we can get through this crazy life, even when the bad times surface. Life happens. Bad things happen. But, we have the final decision in how we choose to deal with things. Things that happen may not have a rational explanation, but we have the power in our hands to allow it to tear us down or choose to turn it into something good. I hope to daily turn that stocking full of coal I was given into gifts every day!

XOXO-Calie

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jpdzme Member
Some people ask "Why me?" Others ask "Why not me?"
Therry Neilsen Moderator & Contributor
Dear Calie, I know this piece is old, but it's eternal. Each of us has to reach this conclusion in our own way. Me? I went to seminary at Andover Newton Theological School after I had a serious exacerbation that we all thought ushered me into life with SPMS. Didn't work out that way, and I wouldn't have given up my time at seminary for anything, but We all have to come to terms with your conclusion. We did nothing. We weren't even standing in the wrong place at the wrong time! Entropy increases. Horrible things happen to perfectly wonderful people all the time. Take a deep breath and move on. You got this.
Itsbarb Member
Hi Callie - like you, I entered the world of MS at 14. The difference was that I wasn’t diagnosed till almost 40. The optic neuritis that I had at was diagnosed as “adolescent hormones”! So I moved on through it. I spent 2 weeks with no vision - at a boarding school in Iowa - my mom and dad home in Philadelphia- I went through the people waving hands in my face, have to access campus holding on to someone, being told I was faking it, but then my vision returned, and life continued on. I graduated from high school, and then from nursing school got married, had 3 children, then a nasty divorce. My son (middle child) was brain injured in a car accident at the age of 3 - I used my nursing skills to become a foster mom to special needs babes - what a wonderful joy and blessing to help moms of disabled babes learn to love their babes for who they are and be able to return these babes to a much better home than they had been removed from - knowing that there were more children out there that needed a bustling loving family who understood differences in abilities and embraced them. But my body couldn’t handle the stressors of going back to work full time my own children’s needs, fighting the battles alone because my first marriage had imploded and MS found its entrance into my life - along with the entrance of a wonderful new man who was also a nurse, and didn’t mind the chaos of special children and my crazy life. As we went through the diagnostic process it was 5 years from the diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia due to a “10 mm demylinating lesion at C-3” until they finally diagnosed MS and I could retire with SS benefits . Initially it was a relief to know why I was stumbling. Why one time on the way to work, while driving, my vision took on this geometric pattern and I couldn’t remember how to get home. I went to work on automation knowing when to turn and I got out of my car and stumbled on to my unit (I was charge nurse on a dementia unit of all places!) the called my husband he came and got me and took me home - I knew it was the MS and refused to go to the hospital - I would ride it out at home. In 2017 - 7 months after the birth of our 2nd grandchild (they lived with us) our dear Lord decided it was time for me to trust Him more and called my husband home suddenly - no illness - simply sudden cardiac death. It worked! I have learned and am still learning to rely on others, to accept help, I can’t shower myself, can’t cook for myself - spend much of my time in bed conserving energy- spent one Christmas in the hospital and one Thanksgiving as well. Now I’ve learned to prioritize, my children have each coped differently, my mother bless her heart is 100 years old and living alone in her own home she is essentially blind and wears hearing aids but soldiers on!! We talk every night on the phone at 8 pm and cherish the blessings we have! Callie if at some point you would share with me what it was like at 14 to find out you had MS and what you would do differently - I often wonder if I should have pushed rather than accept the stupid hormonal diagnosis….. would I be better now. I want to get into kids with the symptoms to watch for and not ignore… But should I? Are they better off living as a non-medical kid or a medical kid. I don’t know….. and I’d like to before I push them in the wrong direction!! Is there a better way to do this!!!! I’d covet your thoughts! Be well!