Woman in sinking boat is lifted up by a whale tail

Numb Little Bug

Last updated: July 2022

I've always loved music. I enjoy music and songs of almost every genre. Listening to music has always been a great source of comfort. It's something I enjoy doing, whatever emotion I may be feeling at the time. During the business of motherhood over the past 3 or 4 years, I realized I stopped listening to music like I once did. I wasn't allowing myself the joy of just turning on music and feeling the lyrics and the beat. However, the songs that really speak to my soul have relatable lyrics.

When the lyrics hit the MS nerve

One such song lately is a viral hit that you've probably heard. It's a big song right now on Instagram and Facebook Reels. The song is called "Numb Little Bug" by Em Beihold. I highly recommend looking it up if you have not listened to it. It's catchy, upbeat, and fun to listen to! If you read the lyrics, it's like reading about life with MS. Every line of the song is incredibly relatable. I am listing the lyrics below. I think it's important for my readers to read them before writing my take on the song.

I don't feel a single thingHave the pills done too muchHaven't caught up with my friends in weeksAnd now we're outta touchI've been driving in LA.And the world it feels too bigLike a floating ball that's bound to breakSnap my psyche like a twigAnd I wanna see if you feel the same as meDo you ever get a little bit tired of lifeLike you're not really happy but you don't wanna dieLike you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive'Cause you gotta surviveLike your body's in the room but you're not really thereLike you have empathy inside but you don't really careLike you're fresh outta love but it's been in the airAm I past repairA little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don'tA little bit tired of quick repairs to copeA little bit tired of sinkin'There's water in my boatI'm barely breathin'Tryna stay afloatSo I got these quick repairs to copeGuess I'm just broken and brokeThe prescriptions on its wayWith a name I can't pronounceAnd the dose I gotta takeBoy, I wish that I could countBecause I just want to seeIf this can make me happy

The real numbness with MS

After my diagnosis at 14, I can confidently say I was numb both literally and figuratively. As a teen, I made time for friends; however, there were many times when I was too tired or felt too bad to join them for typical teenage fun. As the song says, the world and the weight of my diagnosis felt too big. My once enthusiastic teenage psyche suddenly felt fragile, much like my body.

Just enough to survive

Still, to this day, I feel this way at times. MS makes me feel out of touch and numb. Often I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. Trying to do all and be all for myself and my family, but as she puts it - I have to survive.  All hope is not lost. Even when I'm barely hanging on, going through the motions. MS has taught me greater empathy, but there are moments when I feel too tired to care. Too tired to have the empathy that I need for others because I'm just doing my best to keep going.

Feeling broken but pushing through

Am I past repair? I refuse to believe that. However challenging MS has made parts of my life, however many times I've used quick repairs to cope, I know that my will and love for life keep me going. As people with MS, we all often feel broken, at least I have. Another day, another prescription, another dose, another doctor. We do our best to do what makes us happy when we can muster up the strength to do so. MS is like the water in our boat, and we're barely breathing. We are trying to stay afloat through each new symptom and relapse. Every time we get bad news can seem like more water rushing in as our boat sinks further.

We can do it by supporting each other

Friends, I want you to know that you are not alone on your bad days or when you're feeling tired of life. When life feels unfair. It's not supposed to be this way, filled with incurable diseases, depression, anxiety, or suffering the loss of friends and loved ones. The good news is, bad days don't last forever. Every day is a day to be brand new. Even if that means finding one good thing.

You are seen, you are loved, and you are incredible. As a community, we can keep our boat from sinking; as a team. If you are ever struggling, I want to personally invite you to reach out to me or any other person in this community. We see you, and we hear you.

You are loved!

XOXO,

Calie

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