Pride and the Tale of Two Devins
My life before being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was one that filled me with an incredible sense of pride. I worked very hard and was fairly successful. I was proud of my efforts and proud of all that I accomplished. I’d say that even in my first decade or so with the disease, I still had a tremendous sense of pride in what I was able to do. Maybe even more so, as I knew I was experiencing some success despite the problems that came with my illness.
Reflecting on pride with MS
I don’t think I really knew that I was proud of myself at the time though. I was not someone who walked around and was full of himself (at least I hope I didn’t appear that way) but I had confidence and inwardly felt good about my life. It wasn’t until I really started to struggle with MS and began to lose that sense of pride, that I realized I’d even had it. Today, I struggle to feel pride in myself, let me explain why.
The past
As I said, I look back at my previous life, and I’m proud of that guy. He accomplished a lot, particularly with regard to his career. I think back and realize how hard I worked, the extra effort I put in, and the results that came from that and it makes me happy. It’s odd though because I look back at that guy and see him as someone completely different than the person writing this. I have pride in the old Devin as if I’m talking about a son of mine, as if he’s related to me, maybe raised by me, but not me. I feel like it’s a tale of two Devins, the one before his illness forced him onto disability and the one after.
The break
It’s been around eight years (I think, forgive the brain fog) since I was judged no longer able to work. Forced from my career in just my mid-30s, I still suffer from the shock of it all. I still have difficulty reconciling my current situation. So much so that my brain tends to think of the different parts of my life as two separate people. That probably sounds pretty bizarre. I studied and worked hard to build a life, then had that life taken from me very quickly. Everything was uprooted. I was no longer able to afford where I lived. No longer had things in common with people. No longer able to physically take part in the same distractions that I once enjoyed. No longer having a purpose or identity. No longer having something to be proud of.
Pride is more important than you think
I’ve adapted to my life without my career in many ways; however, I still struggle to find a source of pride. I never realized how bad you can feel when you feel like you’ve nothing to be proud of. When you feel you no longer accomplish anything, it starts to feel like you shouldn’t exist. Like you lack a purpose and shouldn’t be here.
I was married, briefly, to someone who was very much like the old Devin (though less athletic). I realize that, for a while, I survived by being proud of her, as if I was part of her success. When we ended things, I started to understand how much my pride in her helped me deal with my own lack of pride. Feeling like I had nothing I could personally be proud of, made me wish I had a child of my own to take that place, to give me a source of pride. But I don’t have that, it’s just me and my dog (ok, I am a bit proud of him).
It’s not about what others think
I’ve expressed these thoughts to a few friends, and I of course was given a laundry list of reasons why I should feel pride in myself. The thing with pride though, is you can give someone a long list of logical reasons why they should be proud of themselves, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel that way. Pride is a deeply personal feeling and it doesn’t work on logic.
The comparison struggle
I’m working on it, and treating my old life as a separate person has definitely been a step in the right direction. Comparing current me to the old me is as foolish as comparing apples to oranges, but that is something I’ve done a lot of over the years. My sense of pride has suffered from that comparison. Old Devin had a lot more advantages, namely that his body functioned a whole lot better than mine. Realizing that does help me feel a twinge of pride in some things I’ve accomplished since leaving the workforce. It’s an ongoing struggle though.
As with many things, I’ve not written this to try to tell you I have a solution, but to share my journey with you. If I’m struggling with feeling a sense of pride because of my life with this illness, maybe others are too. If you are, hey, you’re not alone.
Thanks so much for reading and feel free to share! As always, I would love to hear about your experiences in the comments below!
Devin
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