When I Can't Look In the Mirror

By Devin Garlit

3 min read

My life with multiple sclerosis is filled with a lot of the common symptoms that many with the disease experience, such as:

The combined effects of these symptoms

While all these can make life a bit difficult on their own, their combined effect of landing me on disability is often my greatest hurdle each day. To be a bit more specific, my illness forced me from my career, which has made me feel like an unproductive person. This feeling festers in my mind, no matter how much I fight against it; so much so, that I have days when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

An ongoing issue

If you’ve been reading what I write for a bit now, then you know this is far from the first time I’ve covered this topic. You likely also know that I am far from alone with these feelings. Since I left my career, I’ve been plagued with feelings of inadequacy, confusion about what I can do with my life, and even with questions about why I am still alive.

I am my own worst enemy

Sure, every time I meet someone who asks me what I do for a living it makes me consider my unfulfilled potential, but it’s not others who make me feel so lost. It’s me. I am eternally struggling with my own expectations of myself. In fact, if others questioned my life, I think I’d probably take a stand and stick up for myself. That’s not the situation though. I’m my own adversary in all of this, constantly looking down on myself for not being better.

Days when I can't do anything at all

I mean it when I say I have times where I struggle with looking at myself in the mirror. Yesterday was one such day. I woke up, and not only did I have little to do, my body was enveloped with fatigue, making even getting off the couch seem like a far-fetched idea. There are many days when I can busy myself and pull the wool over my eyes for a day, pretend like I’m everyone else, that I’m productive. Then I have days like yesterday when I feel like I can’t do anything at all. I simply exist, I feel like a burden and like a drain on resources. I’m embarrassed of myself, even when I’m the only one in the room. I can’t help but feel I should be doing more, that I should be contributing more to the world. I’m 42 and I look at others my age with their careers, with their families, with the impact they make on others, and I want that. That should be me, shouldn’t it?

I know it’s complicated

The next day, I can look in the mirror and feel a tad better about things, at least for the moment anyway. I know that I worked very hard before I was forced to move on from my career. I know that I’ve had some accomplishments in life. I also know that living with a chronic illness like MS is a job on its own, that I am actually very busy, busy being sick. I know that I work hard to simply survive. If I were capable of doing more, I would certainly do it. I know deep down that it’s not my fault and that I shouldn’t judge myself. Yes, I still accomplish things, it’s just that the scale of those accomplishments has changed.

Fighting myself

The story of MS for many people that live with it is one of constantly fighting ourselves. Yes, physically, our immune system is attacking our nervous system, but many of us are also battling our own thoughts and expectations for ourselves. Some days we will win that battle, others, we may have trouble even looking in the mirror. I do actively seek professional help for these thoughts, as I encourage everyone to do. That doesn’t mean I still don’t have bad days though. Fighting MS is a lot more than just fighting our symptoms; we’re battling our own expectations for life, too.

Thanks so much for reading and always feel free to share!

Devin

My Other Articles On MultipleSclerosis.net - Follow Me On Facebook

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

colette4 Member
This was a great article. I feel exactly the same. I hated that MS caused me to stop working. Suddenly, I had no purpose, no value, worthless. Now, what do I do. It's years later and I really don't know what I should do while I can still do something.
1. Janus Galante Moderator
 vvxjr9, I think what you wrote was more profound than you may have realized. I for sure hear this, and have often pondered the very same thing. Please know that your response to this article will help others to know that they're not alone as well! Janus
20qv8sx Member
We’re always the hardest on ourselves aren’t we? You do have a place in the world Devin. Every time I see your name I look forward to reading, and it sounds like others do as well.
1. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thanks so much <inline-mention user-id="4072376" username="20qv8sx"/> , appreciate you saying that!
dimitri Member
This is a hard article to read because I can relate to it so much. Nowadays I try to play tricks on myself and tell myself that I'm doing great. The rest of the world is cracking under the stress of quarantine where as I'm doing just fine. I have friends that are complaining about self isolation for a couple of weeks. I've been isolated now for 5 years and I am strong (but I'm not). I have friends that are complaining about not working and being stuck at home with their kids. I have friends that work in health care and are complaining that they are over worked because of the pandemic. I play mind games with myself saying that nobody is happy in this world and I just happen to fall somewhere on the extremes. Haha.
1. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thank you <inline-mention user-id="3982525" username="dimitri"/> , I hear you, it's incredibly frustrating to see how people are complaining after being isolated for just a couple weeks (<a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/coronavirus-response' target='_blank'>https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/coronavirus-response/</a>)
hackmyms Member
I hear you, but I also think you’re overlooking the fact that you now have a second career – you’re a professional writer, blogger, and healthcare advocate. There are plenty of aspiring writers out there who make a fetish out of the craft, and then there are people like you who just get it done. You put out a regular column, despite everything you’re dealing with. You have a following that consistently remarks on how you’ve helped them. These are some serious accomplishments, dude.
1. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thanks so much @Kristin, that's very kind of you to say!
nurseogden Member
You are so right about feeling like you are useless and a drain on society just by being alive. I am a nurse, and spend my whole career being productive. I feel like I now have nothing to offer. I once told my son that yes, maybe they should just take us out and shoot us when we are no longer productive members of society.
1. nurseogden Member
 Thank you for your response. During this covid outbreak, you are right, my experience has been useful for my family. I have been able to teach them the best way to wear the cloth masks which I made for them including a modified one that looks like the dickens but allows my sister to shop for her family and for me without fogging up her glasses.I have taught them the proper way to take them off without contaminating themselves. I was able to get my adult children to start taking precautions before they were even advised and I am thankful that they listened and are safe so far. The hardest part is to get others to take your advice seriously. For my family, it has worked because they respect my experience, but neighbors and friends generally take that "wisdom" as a grain of salt and throw it over their shoulders and forget it LOL. But, on top of MS, I have Degenerative Disk Disease and truly have little to offer. It is so very hard.
2. Janus Galante Moderator
 nurseogden, I can only imagine the skills you possess as a nurse. How many people you have helped, loved, taught and encouraged, and it sounds as though you are carrying all of that through during some of these most trying of times! I would say that you are VERY productive and valuable and I would just bet that any of our frontline workers as well as your family, would agree! Helping your family with the cloth masks is a huge deal! As for the degenerative disk disease, I truly get that.(Along with the pain that can come with it!) Thank you for being such a valuable and important part of this community.... xxxx's Janus
marvcrawf Member
Devin, You took the words right out of my mouth! I am my own worst enemy. And knowing that doesn't make it any better. But I am relieved in knowing I am not alone. Keep up the good work my man, you are great at your "job" and I for one look forward to your writings.
1. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thanks so much <inline-mention user-id="3957459" username="marvcrawf"/> , you are most definitely not alone!
stephanie1 Member
Devin, I completely percent agree with you! I have days I feel completely useless! I am a “retired” nurse, and in these days of Covid 19, I feel especially useless!! I miss my work as an RN immensely, it was rewarding taking care of others who needed me at a horrible time in their lives, and it was an honor for me to care for them. I now take care of my mom, so at least I get a little bit of satisfaction from that, and on bad days, I have to think on that doubly! Stephanie
the3boys Member
Devin, first of all I always look forward to reading your articles. You are always on point. This article is exactly how I felt last night. I have been newly diagnosed (a few months now) and it’s hard losing my independence. Since Valentine’s Day I have went from walking under my own power, to walking with a single point cane, to a rolling walker to a wheelchair when we are out somewhere. I have been unable to work since the end of January and still trying to get my LTD through my employer so I haven’t been able to contribute financially and my cobra insurance is $510 by itself. My significant other has been taking care of everything. I was feeling worthless and why would anyone want me around. I’m a nuisance and a burden no matter what I do.
1. Lori Foster Member
 Hi <inline-mention user-id="4096966" username="the3boys"/> . It must be hard to move so quickly from the initial diagnoses and physical independence to sometimes needing a wheelchair. What type of MS do you have? Has your doctor prescribed physical therapy to help you maintain your muscle tone? As someone who is newly diagnosed, have you considered seeing a therapist? This is a HUGE life change and it can helpful to have a disinterested third party you can turn to with some of the thoughts you might not want to share with loved ones. Here is a fantastic article from one of our advocates with advice for the newly diagnosed: <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/a-few-thoughts-for-the-newly-diagnosed' target='_blank'>https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/a-few-thoughts-for-the-newly-diagnosed/</a>. I hope it helps. Please know we are always here whenever you need support or a place to vent. Hugs! – Lori, <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net' target='_blank'>MultipleSclerosis.net</a>, Team Member
2. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thank you <inline-mention user-id="4096966" username="the3boys"/> , I definitely know the feeling. You're in a rough period of time right now, but you'll get through it, you'll adapt. It may not seem like it, but you will. Sometimes you just need to remember to stay afloat until things improve a bit. And remember, if the situation was reversed, would you consider your significant other a burden or nuisance? Of course not, so they don't think that either.
daybyday Member
Thank you for writing everything you do. On days that I'm not my best the universe sends me a link for something that you have written that is completely relevant and then I don't feel so alone. I hate feeling like a burden. My poor husband takes the brunt of my ever changing mood and he has watched me go from this vibrant woman who could run and spend every day at the gym to someone who can barely get out of bed some days, let alone walk half a mile. I'm blessed that I'm still working but as a massage therapist I'm always worried. There is a voice in the back of my head wondering how much longer I can do what I love and if I can ever go back to my usual schedule. I have to quiet that voice on a regular basis and just take everything one step at a time...no one warns you how exhausting that can be. I used to live my life at a break neck pace, devouring every second. Family and friends used to say " slow down," "you're the busiest person I know" or "aren't you exhausted?". That was nothing compared living with MS.
1. Devin Garlit Moderator
 Thanks so much <inline-mention user-id="4037469" username="daybyday"/> , and thanks for sharing some of your own experience as well!