Sometimes I Wish It Wasn’t Me
I’m just going to be honest for a second. As much as I want to say that MS doesn’t have me, I have to admit that my MS has a huge part in making me who I am today. And, in all honesty I have become really proud of that person over the years. That person is positive and lives each day to the fullest. She is happy, strong and ready to face each day with a happy heart. But, that person struggles a lot too, and, some days I just really wish it wasn’t me. I wish that I wouldn’t have been the one to have to deal with this for over half of my lifetime. I wish I wouldn’t have been diagnosed so young, because I know that’s a lot of the reason why I made some bad decisions along the way. I wish it wasn’t me with the debilitating fatigue. I wish it wasn’t me with the crazy mood swings and emotional issues. I wish it wasn’t me having to take the medication and deal with medical bills and health insurance. I wish I wasn’t the one wondering why although no one else in my family has this disease (it is not hereditary, but several genes are believed to play a role in MS) I’m the one who got it. I wish I didn’t have to deal with the daily symptoms and worry about my disease progressing. I wish my husband, family and friends didn’t have to deal with MS and its unpredictability as well. I wish they didn’t have to worry about me. And, most of all I wish I didn’t have the constant fear in the back of my mind that I might pass it on to my son and possible future children.
Frustration and anger
I found myself tearing up with frustration and anger writing all of those things down. I take pride in the fact that I am a strong woman and I am in love with the life I have been given, but I often don’t admit the things I wish my life wasn’t. I strive to be positive and not let my MS issues and struggles take over my life, especially the negative aspects of it. But, if I’m honest with myself and with you as my readers, there are days where they can’t help but take over. Life is hard, and sometimes life with MS makes things even harder. I have to admit to myself often that I’m only human and it is ok to have my weak moments. It’s ok for me to be upset and sad at the cards life has dealt me. My fatigue is my number one struggle, and there a lot of days where it gets to me. It at times can leave me feeling frustrated because sometimes I have to sit down and deal with it instead of doing everything else I want and need to do. It’s this kind of unexplainable fatigue that makes me feel most weak and vulnerable. And, it above most things makes me wish it wasn’t me.
You’re not alone
I want to open this discussion up with you now. I want to thank you for taking the time to read my sappy article about the anger, bitterness and just overwhelming sadness that MS can sometimes bring up in my life. And I hope that you will feel comfortable sharing your MS stories with me. Feel free to use this as a time to vent your struggles and frustrations. I know that we all have them, and sometimes it’s more comforting than anything to know there is someone out there that truly understands. I’m thankful for each and every one of you, and I want you to know that reading your comments (whether they be trials or triumphs) can give us all the reassurance we need that someone else gets it, and someone else shares the struggles we don’t always like to admit we all deal with.