Stubbornness; Beating My Dark Passenger Known as MS

Stubbornness; Beating My Dark Passenger Known as MS

I have only had multiple sclerosis (MS) for about 5 years. Despite that short amount of time I have had an “action packed” experience with this disease as my MS is (from what I am told) very aggressive. I have not had a very “stable” 5 years, and so, people often ask me how I do it. How is it that I have not lost my mind and that I often still maintain a positive attitude? Well that is easy, I am very stubborn.


Yes, I know, being stubborn is usually looked at like a bad thing, a bad characteristic and before I was diagnosed with MS it was probably one of my worst qualities. It can often get you into trouble; someone would tell me I should not do something and I had to do it for whatever reason. After being diagnosed at the early age of 20, I was able to turn that trait into a tool to help fight my MS and get through tough times. I have no issues with admitting that I am fueled little by hope and fate like many others may be. Nope, I am a realist (and I know there is a very fine line between being a realist and a pessimist) and for me it is all about my stubbornness. There are many times where I just want to curl up in bed and just give up but I can’t, I am just too stubborn, if I give in like that I lose against MS and because I am so stubborn I just can’t let myself lose! I was the kid who when everyone else in my group of friends said “that can’t be done, that is just too dangerous/difficult/whatever” I took it as a challenge and said “watch me”. Of course there were times where I did achieve what I was told I could not do (fueling my ego) but there were also many times where I failed, but what is important is that I tried without doubting myself. You could say that my attitude was a bit naïve but guess what? It has always worked for me.When times get tough I have to just say “ok, what do I do next?” and just dive into things. Of course I have no idea what that will result in but in my minds eye, if I give up just for a second, MS wins and as far as I am concerned? MS will never get that luxury from me.

So my MS has become a bit of a separate entity trying to hinder every aspect of my life, and if you have ever watched the show “Dexter” you will get this reference, but I decided that I would refer to my MS as “my dark passenger”. Someone along for the ride we call life that I do not want there with me. This dark passenger has one goal and one goal alone; to slow me down in life and try to get me to give up. I suppose you could say I give it too much of a cynical motive but if I look at it as something personal that wants to cause me harm in life it is much easier to get all stubborn. Oh you think you are causing me more pain than I can bare? You think this is too much misery for me? Well in that case it’s not that bad, not even worth complaining about, nice try but no cigar! And no matter how tough life may get I will always revert to that attitude because I just refuse to let something have control over me, I am just too stubborn for that.

“I will beat you, I will win, I always win” – at least that is my attitude.

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Comments

View Comments (8)
  • PJLang1954
    3 years ago

    I must be stubborn too! Diagnosed in 2006. I went off my MS medicine in June of this year and do not want to go back on one. I went off shots and tried pill form and didn’t agree with me (long story). I am eating GF and does help a lot. Having some issues but not ready to call doctor. With all the side effects of these drugs can’t imagine anyone wanting to use them. I use a lot of essential oils along with diet so I am determined to manage my MS the natural way!

  • Matt Allen G author
    3 years ago

    determination is a must, stubborn​ people tend to be determined for a slightly different reason but the end game is still the same :p

  • Vicky
    3 years ago

    When I told her I was stubborn, a very wise lady told me I was tenacious.

  • Matt Allen G author
    3 years ago

    Well, that adjective may describe my characteristic as well but I still feel as though “stubborn” is more accurate for MY personality haha…

  • 4kq76a
    3 years ago

    I too have been stubborn all my life and I probably could have written this. I was diagnosed in the spring of 2000. My older sister also had MS so I was pretty sure by the 2nd flare up I had been misdiagnosed and went to get a 2nd opinion…I tried every drug on the market for years and nothing would keep me stable. August1, 2008 (my42nd Birthday) I woke up COMPLETELY Numb from the diaphragm down. 21 days as an inpatient learning to walk with a walker…Now some 7 years later I use a cane for long distances and outside, nothing at home etc…I took Dance lessons thru Marquette University and now can ballroom dance in 1 1/2 in heels! I couldn’t wear heels when I was diagnosed!I fell and broke my leg in 4 places white bilateral AFO’s on in 2010…now No Braces and doing great! Yes call me stubborn but I refuse to give in to this dark passenger! Love the way you labeled MS…I am Proud of where my stubborness has taken me!

  • Matt Allen G author
    3 years ago

    wow, that’s is the perfect example of how we each have a unique struggle with this disease! Broken leg, man, I have fallen but never (so far – knock on wood) in such a way that I would break something. MS knocks us down so we just have to get back up and keep on keepin’ on!

  • Kathie
    3 years ago

    Matt, it is so funny to me because all my life people have told me how stubborn I am! I came to the conclusion that I don’t care! I was diagnosed with MS about 11yrs. Ago. I am just to stubborn to let it get the best of me. I’m like you, if people say don’t do it, it makes me want to do it even more! I know that I do things that I shouldn’t, but that is what makes me who l am! I want to keep moving and if I stop, then I lost. I’m not going to stop or give in to this MS, I’m just going to be who I am, STUBBORN. I’ll be 54 on November 22nd, and I’m gonna keep on keepin on!

  • Matt Allen G author
    3 years ago

    Sounds like you and I share that lovely characteristic. To me it’s just another fuel that keeps me keepin’ on haha

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