Two Shots Change Everything

By Anita Williams

3 min read

I just got my second COVID-19 vaccine shot. I am not sure how I feel. It is not a lack of feeling. It is an overflow of emotions and thoughts bubbling up. Some are good. Some are sad. They are all there at the same time. A two-second needle poke just upended the life l have known for over a year which is a life that was upended to begin with. Two weeks from now, my vaccination will be at “full strength.” I will be able to go outside masked and not dying from COVID-19.

Fear

You would think that having multiple sclerosis means pondering death quite a bit. From time to time I recognize that this chronic illness is unpredictable. I currently am relapsing-remitting. However, as a Black woman, I am acutely aware of the fact that this fact can make for faster progression. Ever wrong swallow becomes a thought loop of wondering if this related to multiple sclerosis or if I was eating to quickly. The progressive inability to safely swallow food or beverages is a serious problem that can lead to death over time. Yet, this fear of a death by COVID-19 was on an entirely different level. This was not a potential change in status that could shorten my lifespan. This was a death that would happen in weeks, days, or hours.

The warnings for anyone immunocompromised

If you are someone who is immunocompromised or have multiple underlying conditions, you were warned that COVID-19 would be potentially life-ending. No, it was more than potentially. We were told that catching this novel virus would ravage us through our weakness and kill us. Our bodies were already fighting daily battles and COVID-19 was a war that we would lose. In losing that war, we might suffer through a painful intubation that may not be enough. We were not afforded the luxury of thinking that we might only suffer through a horrendous case of the flu. WE were the people everyone stayed home to protect.

I struggled despite my good fortune

I am blessed to have private transportation and the ability to order necessities online. I have the ability to shelter-in-place and have no responsibilities that would take me out of my home regularly. Teleheath is an option I use. Even with all of these in place, I survived in fear.

Relief

Now, I am surviving in relief. Relief that my mask is not my only shield. I am surviving in guilt. How did I get to be so so very lucky? Why was I not among the 530,000+ souls who passed away? I am surviving in confusion. I am confused about what is ahead for us as a nation, for my multiple sclerosis community, and for me. I am surviving in gratefulness. I am grateful that those closest to me will be fully vaccinated just weeks after me. I am on my knees grateful that my senior mom survived alongside me.

Remembering how to live

I have seen a lot of photos on social media showing people getting their shots. I have a photo of my first jab. I was excited to know that by the end of the month, I would have a bit of Dolly’s Moderna in me. Returning to some small pleasures passed through my mind. The discount Tuesday movie could return to its rightful place. Excursions outside and being in close proximity to people would be safe to do. Other than that, I have not made grandiose plans. I have not planned a vacation or a visit with friends. I have not had a dance of jubilation or posted on social media. I am simply sitting here letting go of fear.

Today I got my second COVID-19 vaccine shot. Tomorrow, I start to remember how to live.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

Wonder woman Virginia Member
I feel the same exact way..in fact I feel altered immune wise because we're so delicate with immune responses, I feel weird! Weird things are happening to me body wise to. I feel deceived by Moderna because not enough testing was done to provide adequate info MS suffers. 
1. Lori Foster Member
 Hi @Wonder.woman.Virginia. Your concern is understandable. They had to come up with vaccines fast because too many people were dying, so I am sure the thought of getting it leaves you uncertain and a bit afraid. The National MS Society was also concerned, so they pulled together a panel of experts to come up with recommendations for people with MS. Here are the results: <a href='https://www.nationalmssociety.org/coronavirus-covid-19-information/multiple-sclerosis-and-coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-guidance' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://www.nationalmssociety.org/coronavirus-covid-19-information/multiple-sclerosis-and-coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-guidance</a>. I hope this helps you to feel a little better about getting vaccinated. Best wishes! - Lori (Team Member)
f5hwo4 Member
Tomorrow is 14 days after my second Coronavirus shot. I was feeling pretty good about it until my area started having trouble getting people to get vaccinated. It is open for anyone to get the shot that is 16 and older. I have asked several strangers while waiting in line or at doctors appointment if they had got a vaccine shot. They all said no and weren't planning on getting one, didn't trust the research. The number of people who are diagnosed with the Coronavirus is starting to go up in my county. I am afraid we will all be back to lock down by this fall. Potter
1. Tamara K Sellman Moderator
 <inline-mention username="f5hwo4" user-id="3977349"/> First of all, congratulations on making it to "free and clear!" That's awesome. My husband and I will join you in the "free and clear" club next Tuesday. Our two daughters, who are teachers, will be there at the end of the month. It is a time to celebrate. Living with MS has been an interesting education in how to practice safety and self care prior to the pandemic. Often it's the healthy and able who are more fearful because they simply don't have the perspective we have. It is frustrating to know your neighbors are not on the same page with this. It's also a similar situation where I live, and the lockdown closures have been reinstated in three counties in my state because of people who refuse to follow protocols and get vaccinated. From what I understand, while the federal government will not require "vaccine passports," it may be that local businesses, employers and organizations (especially tied to events) may require proof of vaccination in addition to masking and social distancing in the not-too-distant future in order to go to work, shop, or attend events. You, of course, will be in the "free and clear," able to get back to doing things you enjoy, but for so many, their resistance to vaccination is going to create more barriers for them. It may be that this inability to get back to "normal" because of community sanctions will create some pretty hostile groups. I wouldn't be surprised. Or, it may be that they finally see, after several months of solid evidence, that vaccines do, in fact, work to protect us, with few risks. I expect many will will be getting in line so they, too, can enjoy life again, when this becomes apparent. There will always be a minority who won't ever do these things. But this is why you and I and others have vaccinated ourselves, to protect ourselves and our loved ones and neighbors. We can't change those who are resistant to vaccines, but we can encourage those who are on the fence to consider risks vs rewards and be there when they need to make an appointment online or a ride to a local clinic. Stay safe! And congratulations again on your new status: immunized! Tamara, <a href='https://multiplesclerosis.net' target='_blank'>multiplesclerosis.net</a> patient advocate