The Alone feeling has shown his ugly face...
Yesterday I had an experience that made me realize how alone I really am. It was a hot day to begin with, and we had stopped to visit family. Their home was hot and the humidity and heat were taking their toll on me physically and cognitively. I needed to leave an cool my body down -and fast! All I had in mind was to get to my pool and dive in to that cool water. The neighbors were outside enjoying the summer day. Hubby asked to stop and say; "Hello and have a quick visit." All I could think and say was; " No, get me home to that pool! We can come right back!" We hadn't seen them in sometime and yes it would have been nice to visit but the heat was killing me! I felt bad for not stopping as we waved. It may have seemed selfish of me thinking back, but I was so hot.
Quickly diving in was such a relief to my body and mind as the cool water surrounded me as my deep breaths exhaled the heat from with in. I could swear my body created steam like a hot iron rod hitting the water. Like I remember in my younger years, being on the farm as they branded cows, seeing that red hot rod hitting that water and the steam simmering. Giving me that “Awwwww”, feeling.
In the past, he aways said he understood the heat thing and that it was ok, I had to do what I had to to keep my body under control of this monster within. After returning to the pool with a dress for coolness and ready to head back up to see our neighbors, it became clear that really in all reality, he didn’t understand. As, he was upset that they had already left and we then had to stay home. I sat for a moment, thinking what to say to point out his change in attitude. “I softly said, I am sorry I got MS when I did. I didn’t ask for this, nor did I ask for my life to change so much. I wouldn't wish this beast on my worst enemy. Clearly, you really don’t understand what it is I feel and am going through.” He admitted that it was true. He doesn’t understand. Wow Truth Bomb.
I feel bad for him because I do know no one asks how he is doing anymore and get on with things. People are always asking how I am doing and concerned for my wellness. It is nice of them to be concerned and feel its easing his burdens. But truly I think it leaves him feeling alone with his own struggles of life and how to deal with my illness.
Our life has changed and turned on a dime since my diagnosis May 24, 2010. We have been together for 28 years and have built a beautiful life for ourselves and our children, now grand children. Life as we had seen in our hands, it is no longer there but a pile of ashes running through his fingers like the sands of an hour glass. Not knowing what to do next.
Its a loss and I understand we are going through a grieving process while trying to build a new life and new goals but knowing nothing is certain, promised to us tomorrow. We try and live day by day with this and what the monster is throwing at us. Only feeling the monster within isn’t only trying to control my body but how my life will be lived, believing he, the monster, would love to have that battle just between him and I.
I know I will not be those people we use to be. It’s all about the people that we become. I continue to read/listen to a lot of self development books and stay positive. Sharing this information with him that I learn. I may have had to start over but I am liking the person I am becoming.
Thanking you for reading and wishing you good health.
MS and Living Life...
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