Depression or Denial

I was diagnosed with RRMS in 2009. When I was diagnosed, I was told that I had it for about 15 years according to the lesions. At that time, I was in shock but it also explained all of my past clumsiness and forgetfulness, which I blamed on partying too much in my early years.

I was put on Copaxone. I hated daily shots and blamed them for my up and down moods, headaches, weight gain and welts I would get on my legs from the shots. I figured I had lived with it (MS) for so long without knowing…I would probably feel normal again without these shots. I stopped taking them. That was not a good idea. I had what I know now to be my first relapse and was put on short term disability due to the stressors that I used to be able to handle before my diagnosis. MS now became real to me when my MS doctor explained to me what was actually happening inside my body with MS. Again, I was shocked by the reality that this was actually happening to me being that I still felt what I remember as “normal”.

Of course I was scared at this point and hoped that my MS had not progressed too much that the doctor would put me on a different medication. I promised I would take my shots regularly if he allowed me to stay with Copaxone. I was lucky that I received that chance. It has now been 5 years since that last MRI. So much has gone on in my life since then…divorce, layoff, loss of loved ones and tons of stress that comes from the frustration that I am not who I used to be. I knew/know all of my feelings about myself and who I have become have had an effect on my MS but I have not gotten an updated MRI. Truth is “I’m scared” to know, but at the same time, I’ve finally reached the point where I have to know. I feel it has to have progressed being that I’ve been depressed more than I can ever remember; I’m tired all of the time, no energy nor desire to do the things that I once enjoyed.

Is this normal for an MS’er or should I start accepting that it has gotten worse? I’m praying that I, like with most things, am just thinking the worse. I have now started reading blogs looking for successful stories that we CAN live a full, happy life with MS. Thank you for reading and please share thoughts.

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