Do I Have MS? Does MS Have Me?

Looking back, my symptoms started probably 4 years ago but were over-looked or dismissed because they weren’t significant. No fault of my Dr. or myself, I didn’t realize it was the beginning.

I have unexplained weakness and pain in both legs. Some days I can barely walk across my living room, others I could walk through the mall and I am fine. Then the burning in my hands, moving up my arms. I’ve had it in my face and around my back. My primary Dr put me on Gabapentin. And it worked, somewhat. I have this feeling at times that comes over me that I am in a dense cloud, full of thoughts and words that want to come out, but I cannot get them to come out of my mouth. The disaster is followed by me getting aggravated, my words get inter-tangled, and me trying to salvage my embarrassment. I struggle internally with that a lot.

I had never really thought about it until just now, but does anyone get this “painful knot” in the lower part of your abdomen? Oh my gosh, it isn’t frequent when it happens, but it stops me in my tracks. I try and slowly stretch that area, try to not focus on the “oh my God, is this some weird sign of a heart attack?” Yes, it’s that sharp of pain! But it eases until next time.

I have other symptoms, that I could go on and on about but I feel like I am rambling so I will spare you.

I have met with a Neurologist who did a full exam. He raised my Gabapentin to the level that I am not having the burning. I have had a CT Scan and MRI of the brain. I have had a Spinal Tap. Next month I am having an EMG before I meet back with him at the end of May. I have some of the results back VIA the online MyChart forum, I have no clue what I am looking at honestly. I know I should wait for him to explain everything but I just want to know.

I was always that fun, strong, Mom and Wife. My kids’ friends always loved coming to our house. Heck, half of them called me their 2nd Mom…. and I didn’t mind at all. My husband has always supported me, we just celebrated 20 years in February! 🙂 Our eldest is an adult, so no, I don’t look for her friends to have that relationship at our home, they have their growing lives. And she (our daughter) is a tremendous support in our family. She always puts her sister first and helps us out with things all of the time. Our youngest is turning 17 in a few weeks!! I am so excited for her because that’s a big year. She’s still my baby, but going to be a Senior in HS and thinking of her future. She is a really good teenager. She’s open and honest, she is so giving, and we never have to worry about her choices. I can honestly say that I feel blessed that I was given these two Angels.

Now, I feel like the tired Mom. The tired Wife. I despise not having the energy to be that person that is still inside. I feel like I’m not the same Mom for my youngest. I want to be. Her friends rarely come here any more, she goes there. I would never in a million years stop her from growing up, that’s not what I mean. I just wish I could give her those fun, spontaneous memories instead of seeing the worry in her face.

Ugh, back to rambling, thanks if nothing else that I could get this off my chest! I wish you all well…

Much Love,

Tara

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