Strength isn’t everything…

I was diagnosed in 2005. I was 25 years old with two small children ages 4 and 5. I was also married at that time for 6 years. I woke up one day feeling like I had slept on my face strangely, my eye was sore. I ignored it for a day or two and then my vision was blurry. I was convinced I had something in my eye. It’s went on for a day or two. My right eye was sore and blurry. I had looked at web md and other like websites. They had me convinced I had glaucoma or something. I finally made an eye dr appointment.

On the day of my appt I received a call that the dr office had lost power and needed to reschedule me. On the day of my now rescheduled appt,I had absolutely NO VISION in my right eye. Yes, I drove to my appt, my husband was at work and my mother in law was watching my boys. My eye dr ran several test and then said I had Optic Neuritis. He then informed me that 50% of people who have THAT have MS. He immediately sent me to a specialist in Seattle.

I drove,yes…again…to Seattle. They did an MRI and several more eye tests and sent me home. The next day he called me with the results. MS Awareness Month I was alone, walking into a subway restaraunt and he told me my MRI shows spots on my brain as an MS patient but he couldn’t formally diagnose me until I had multiple symptoms. It wasn’t a month later my legs were vibrating like crazy. It felt like my cell phone was in my back pocket! I went back in and he officially diagnosed me. I went through all of this by myself. My husband had his own business and was very business. Putting on a strong front I felt I had it handled…no big deal!

Reality had not sunk in. Years went by…I refused medication. I had small relapses here and there. In August of 2009 I left my husband. I started dating a new man shortly thereafter. He knew of my diagnosis and accepted it. A few months into our relationship I had a big relapse where the right side of my face went completely paralyzed. Very embarrassing in a new relationship!! In 2011 I had my third child and since I was on state medical I decided to start the medication for MS. I had an absolute breakdown.

I finally accepted the fact that I had MS and I couldn’t handle it. It was extremely difficult to be on is medication because it was me admitting I had something that I couldn’t control. I became very depressed and very emotional and very mean. I started seeing a psychiatrist but she didn’t want to put me on depression medication which I felt I needed. I still feel I need..but then again I’m admitting weakness! It’s been a rough few years for me. I handled it alone and I still feel like I handle it alone. I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for anything, basically I try to be TOO strong when I’m not.

The battle continues… I think my biggest struggle with MS is the emotional part of it. I have mood swings that are ridiculous, anger issues, but again, the battle continues. A cure would be nice!!!

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