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Strength isn’t everything…

I was diagnosed in 2005. I was 25 years old with two small children ages 4 and 5. I was also married at that time for 6 years. I woke up one day feeling like I had slept on my face strangely, my eye was sore. I ignored it for a day or two and then my vision was blurry. I was convinced I had something in my eye. It’s went on for a day or two. My right eye was sore and blurry. I had looked at web md and other like websites. They had me convinced I had glaucoma or something. I finally made an eye dr appointment.

On the day of my appt I received a call that the dr office had lost power and needed to reschedule me. On the day of my now rescheduled appt,I had absolutely NO VISION in my right eye. Yes, I drove to my appt, my husband was at work and my mother in law was watching my boys. My eye dr ran several test and then said I had Optic Neuritis. He then informed me that 50% of people who have THAT have MS. He immediately sent me to a specialist in Seattle.

I drove,yes…again…to Seattle. They did an MRI and several more eye tests and sent me home. The next day he called me with the results. MS Awareness Month I was alone, walking into a subway restaraunt and he told me my MRI shows spots on my brain as an MS patient but he couldn’t formally diagnose me until I had multiple symptoms. It wasn’t a month later my legs were vibrating like crazy. It felt like my cell phone was in my back pocket! I went back in and he officially diagnosed me. I went through all of this by myself. My husband had his own business and was very business. Putting on a strong front I felt I had it handled…no big deal!

Reality had not sunk in. Years went by…I refused medication. I had small relapses here and there. In August of 2009 I left my husband. I started dating a new man shortly thereafter. He knew of my diagnosis and accepted it. A few months into our relationship I had a big relapse where the right side of my face went completely paralyzed. Very embarrassing in a new relationship!! In 2011 I had my third child and since I was on state medical I decided to start the medication for MS. I had an absolute breakdown.

I finally accepted the fact that I had MS and I couldn’t handle it. It was extremely difficult to be on is medication because it was me admitting I had something that I couldn’t control. I became very depressed and very emotional and very mean. I started seeing a psychiatrist but she didn’t want to put me on depression medication which I felt I needed. I still feel I need..but then again I’m admitting weakness! It’s been a rough few years for me. I handled it alone and I still feel like I handle it alone. I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for anything, basically I try to be TOO strong when I’m not.

The battle continues… I think my biggest struggle with MS is the emotional part of it. I have mood swings that are ridiculous, anger issues, but again, the battle continues. A cure would be nice!!!

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Comments

  • Mandyrose
    6 years ago

    Dear KynaMarie- No matter how much someone cares for you, they will never understand this disease. I was diagnosed in 1997, but I now realize I had subtle symptoms for ten years before Dx. I can stand and use a cane in the apt. and a walker outside. I know about becoming removed from our social network. It’s like when someone dies, and everyone swears they will be there for us. Then, after a while( less than a year) you find yourself navigating your life alone. I HATE when someone says” Your MS”. It’s not mine. It’s a foreign invader that has totally altered the life I had planned. I lost my job, my husband, many family members and friends. I am trying to fight with everything within me to reinvent myself. I won’t tell you it’s easy, but never give up or give in. Your sister in the battle.

  • John
    6 years ago

    I know how you feel! Stay honest with yourself and others.

  • Karen
    6 years ago

    Being alone will only make you feel worse. I encourage you to find a friend with MS and to be honest with the rest of the world. We cannot do everything they can, but we are still special and blessed in our own way. I have had MS about 15 years. My husband left me. I moved to a cooler climate. I go to 2 support groups, I take care of my grandkids, I play bridge, then I collapse. My son told me years ago, “Mom I don’t know when you need help if you don’t tell me”. I am now an open book. I encourage you to get on anti-depressants! Ask your Neurologist! If you would like to talk, I’m here for you! Karenwittmer@aol.com. Life is too short to not make the best of it and MS only makes us different, not less.

  • Trish
    6 years ago

    I have was diagnosed about 10 years ago. MS is an awful disease that is like a big circle for me. When I have an acerbation or even just a few bad days it depresses the hell out of me. The stress that the depression causes tends to lead me back into a few bad MS days. For me it goes on & on. It was like that for many years until I learned to recognize the cycle. I’m not going to lie & tell you it got better because it didn’t but it is a lot easier for me to know when to rest & concentrate on the positives. I can still walk, I need a cane but can still walk. I still have full use of my arms, hurts like hell on some days but can still use them. I can go on & on with all those stupid symptoms. Some people who have had this awful disease for this long are in wheel chairs & can barely move. For that I am grateful to God that I am in as good condition that I am. I know this probably doesn’t help many people but it did me a world of good to be able to say it. Sometimes that’s all you can do is talk it out. I still get really angry because I’m too young for this crap, I’m only 58. Those 10 years I will never get back again and I have missed many wonderful experiences. You are all in my thoughts & prayers, Your sister in the MS fight.

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