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Strength isn’t everything…

I was diagnosed in 2005. I was 25 years old with two small children ages 4 and 5. I was also married at that time for 6 years. I woke up one day feeling like I had slept on my face strangely, my eye was sore. I ignored it for a day or two and then my vision was blurry. I was convinced I had something in my eye. It’s went on for a day or two. My right eye was sore and blurry. I had looked at web md and other like websites. They had me convinced I had glaucoma or something. I finally made an eye dr appointment.

On the day of my appt I received a call that the dr office had lost power and needed to reschedule me. On the day of my now rescheduled appt,I had absolutely NO VISION in my right eye. Yes, I drove to my appt, my husband was at work and my mother in law was watching my boys. My eye dr ran several test and then said I had Optic Neuritis. He then informed me that 50% of people who have THAT have MS. He immediately sent me to a specialist in Seattle.

I drove,yes…again…to Seattle. They did an MRI and several more eye tests and sent me home. The next day he called me with the results. MS Awareness Month I was alone, walking into a subway restaraunt and he told me my MRI shows spots on my brain as an MS patient but he couldn’t formally diagnose me until I had multiple symptoms. It wasn’t a month later my legs were vibrating like crazy. It felt like my cell phone was in my back pocket! I went back in and he officially diagnosed me. I went through all of this by myself. My husband had his own business and was very business. Putting on a strong front I felt I had it handled…no big deal!

Reality had not sunk in. Years went by…I refused medication. I had small relapses here and there. In August of 2009 I left my husband. I started dating a new man shortly thereafter. He knew of my diagnosis and accepted it. A few months into our relationship I had a big relapse where the right side of my face went completely paralyzed. Very embarrassing in a new relationship!! In 2011 I had my third child and since I was on state medical I decided to start the medication for MS. I had an absolute breakdown.

I finally accepted the fact that I had MS and I couldn’t handle it. It was extremely difficult to be on is medication because it was me admitting I had something that I couldn’t control. I became very depressed and very emotional and very mean. I started seeing a psychiatrist but she didn’t want to put me on depression medication which I felt I needed. I still feel I need..but then again I’m admitting weakness! It’s been a rough few years for me. I handled it alone and I still feel like I handle it alone. I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for anything, basically I try to be TOO strong when I’m not.

The battle continues… I think my biggest struggle with MS is the emotional part of it. I have mood swings that are ridiculous, anger issues, but again, the battle continues. A cure would be nice!!!

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • Mandyrose
    6 years ago

    Dear KynaMarie- No matter how much someone cares for you, they will never understand this disease. I was diagnosed in 1997, but I now realize I had subtle symptoms for ten years before Dx. I can stand and use a cane in the apt. and a walker outside. I know about becoming removed from our social network. It’s like when someone dies, and everyone swears they will be there for us. Then, after a while( less than a year) you find yourself navigating your life alone. I HATE when someone says” Your MS”. It’s not mine. It’s a foreign invader that has totally altered the life I had planned. I lost my job, my husband, many family members and friends. I am trying to fight with everything within me to reinvent myself. I won’t tell you it’s easy, but never give up or give in. Your sister in the battle.

  • John
    6 years ago

    I know how you feel! Stay honest with yourself and others.

  • Karen
    6 years ago

    Being alone will only make you feel worse. I encourage you to find a friend with MS and to be honest with the rest of the world. We cannot do everything they can, but we are still special and blessed in our own way. I have had MS about 15 years. My husband left me. I moved to a cooler climate. I go to 2 support groups, I take care of my grandkids, I play bridge, then I collapse. My son told me years ago, “Mom I don’t know when you need help if you don’t tell me”. I am now an open book. I encourage you to get on anti-depressants! Ask your Neurologist! If you would like to talk, I’m here for you! Life is too short to not make the best of it and MS only makes us different, not less.

  • Trish
    6 years ago

    I have was diagnosed about 10 years ago. MS is an awful disease that is like a big circle for me. When I have an acerbation or even just a few bad days it depresses the hell out of me. The stress that the depression causes tends to lead me back into a few bad MS days. For me it goes on & on. It was like that for many years until I learned to recognize the cycle. I’m not going to lie & tell you it got better because it didn’t but it is a lot easier for me to know when to rest & concentrate on the positives. I can still walk, I need a cane but can still walk. I still have full use of my arms, hurts like hell on some days but can still use them. I can go on & on with all those stupid symptoms. Some people who have had this awful disease for this long are in wheel chairs & can barely move. For that I am grateful to God that I am in as good condition that I am. I know this probably doesn’t help many people but it did me a world of good to be able to say it. Sometimes that’s all you can do is talk it out. I still get really angry because I’m too young for this crap, I’m only 58. Those 10 years I will never get back again and I have missed many wonderful experiences. You are all in my thoughts & prayers, Your sister in the MS fight.

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