Female, Black, former teacher looking for life’s Meaning

I always fit in a category of ‘minority’; now it’s that I have PPMS; one of the 15% of those with MS. Finding information and support took awhile after my diagnoses in 2010. Now on disability, I often find myself succumbing to depression. I have all the coping skills, daily tasks to give my life some meaning, but anger over what I can’t do keeps surfacing.
So I pray, meditate, listen to Gospel music, write, read novels that immerse me into another’s life, and reach out to others on MS websites. I also go to support groups in different cities when I can get a ride.
I don’t believe I ever got mad and cried out, “Why me?”. Instead I fought the symptoms fatigue with supplements B12, D3, Ashwaganda and Rhodiola; pain with Tumeric and Boswellia. I bought a vibration/ oscillation machine for daily exercise along with stretches and use of my stationary bike. I began juicing for those helpful phyto-nutrients in fresh kale, spinach, and other greens and fruit. I became Gluten free for my brain health and began using brain games and crossword puzzles.
I found out I did suffer through the loss of my career and abilities through therapy.I didn’t realize I was grieving over lack of human contact and loss of productiveness. I was a teacher and suddenly I had to give it up. Fatigue, loss of mobility, loss of balance, cognitive problems and memory mishaps made me leave. Now my spasticity has brought on pain like I’ve never known before. But I still have days of uncertainty. So no matter if you do everything you can to control this illness, you can’t. I’m progressively getting worse and there is nothing humanly possible I can do. I believe in God and every day try to convince myself to “Let Go, Let God” but it is hard.
Reaching out to others is as important as everything else I have done, so I will continue to communicate on websites and at support group meetings. Reading how others deal with the MonSter has also been a great help. I keep finding resources as others share their stories and daily tips. The resources I have found of late have helped and should continue to, so I just have to take it one day at a time.

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