I Wanted to Write a "Good" Letter!

Hello,

I wanted to write a "Good" letter!
A letter that told the story of the "Struggle" that comes from having MS - ["Wart's and All"]!
A story about "Hope" becoming one of your best friends!
A story which will help "Me" process "My" MS!

So,
Whilst reading the eulogy at my Father's funeral, my eldest Brother touched on a song by Cat Stevens - "Cat's in the Cradle."
I knew the song well but had not listened to it for a long time. So I placed it into my memory bank to play in the next day or two.
Also, I have been told by many, that my dad's funeral, was a good funeral.

For myself and I suppose many other folks, there are certain songs that if played at the Perfect {wrong} Time {since having MS} can cause another emotional roller coaster to begin.
Thus causing an emergency meeting to be called {by yourself} to break out every type of tool that you have in your arsenal, to try and halt or at least slow the emotional roller coaster from having a crash or in other words, just taking your mind somewhere you don't need to go.
And yes, this can happen. Sometimes for only minutes or hours or sometimes a bit longer.
The one thing that gets you back is "Hope," that MS will soon be better understood.

MS takes a wrecking ball to your life

I have not had a lot of chances to have a good talk to my Brother about my MS and plan to maybe around a campfire in the near future.
But some days I wonder if it is right or wrong to fully explain to the people who are close to you, how MS has taken a wrecking ball to your life.
I wonder if you should tell them how MS has smashed your dreams and left you in a place similar to a nightmare.
How it has left you relying on "Hope" that the universe might today, whisper into the ear of one of the fantastic researchers the answers that they are seeking.

Facing these feelings

So if I get that chance to have a good chat with Brother who is a "Chip off the Old Block" and if the conversation heads in the right direction I think I will bring up the "Cat's in the Cradle" song.
I will try to explain to him why songs like this have always had a strong meaning to me.
But now [with MS] they can be very raw on your emotions because you walk around every minute of every day wishing you did not have this disease.
But you still have to live and play songs, all the time knowing that the emotions that could be stirred up will have to be dealt with.
I think that it is very important to face these feelings and emotions head on and to not leave them in the cupboard like a hand grenade.
But finding the right person to talk with, can be hard to achieve also.

My map for my life

Many years ago when I was mapping out my life, that song and many others had an influence on me.
The message that is in that song is simple and I included that message into my map for my life.
I vowed then that my children will always know their Father very well and I will be a very "Active" part in their lives and I will have an ability to lead and teach by example.
Then fast forward the tape a long way - and later on in life {much later I hope} if the Pearly Gates were to, by some silly chance, give me a call one day, well, I hope that I have a big smile on my face and that my bag is half packed.
So I had my map, I worked hard {I thought} and "Everything was ticking along Nicely."
But you know what they say about making plans and how lucky you are to have your health.

So four and a half years ago I was diagnosed with MS and who knows how long it might have been there before this.
Prior to MS I could - Achieve anything, Fix anything, Make anything, Drive anything, Ride anything, Make Plans to do Everything, and so on and so forth...
Now I make plans to be able to get to the end of a day with a Smile on my Face and a sense of satisfaction with what I might of achieved that day.
Life has certainly changed a little.

Hating this disability

Just like I wonder "if it is right or wrong to explain to people close to you what MS has done to your life," I also wonder if it is right or wrong to tell some people how you feel some days as the MS progresses.
The amount of things that can come your way now do have an ability to test you and stir up some hidden emotions.
Sometimes you cannot understand what it is that is bothering you. And if someone asks you what's up it doesn't always help.
Then it could just be as simple, as you just hate your body so damn much.
I think that you cannot hide or walk around the fact that some days you do hate what this disability is doing to you as it progresses.
It is though as you do get worse, you have to process what your abilities are now and how your disability makes you feel.
So sometimes you do want to talk to a good listener about this. Not whine to them, just explain to them why you think you have a right to be a little annoyed.
Maybe once this is done then your disease and your mind are back in sync and you can move on a little happier.
So if you do have someone who is a good listener, don't be short if they don't get it straight away. Maybe take the time to explain it to them a different way.
When you read some of the many stories of people living with MS talking about some of the struggles they have had to get through,
Then you realize that a lot of folks are just looking for the same things and muddling their way through.

I have to put a lot of sugar on that pill

My two girls were Eight and Eleven when I was diagnosed.
I worked hard for years and had built a great little business which gave us our financial platform and security.
Before I got crook I was laying the plans for the next one to five years and so on, with Lots of good times for us all to be had.
That's all gone and we struggle financially like thousands of other folks.
And when it comes to My Two Beautiful, Smart, Funny Girls that have a Spirit that is going to produce something special, Yep, I'm annoyed that a lot of what I wanted to do with them I simply cannot.
But I can still raise a fair smile and tell a joke most days, and I still have some of my dreams.
I have processed a lot of what this disease has done to me and us as a family. But the struggle never ends.
When it comes to what my girls have missed out on because of my disability, I have to put a lot of sugar on that pill to attempt to swallow it!

My hopes

I believe that keeping your spirit in check is very important. Not easy but important.
"Hope" is a great fuel to keep your "Spirit" alive. A bit like faith.
I have been to the bottom like many other people talk about, And you do manage to pop out the other side again. Sometimes maybe even better...
There are some things that I can never forgive MS for taking from me.
But I do have "Hope" - Hope that someone who reads this story might be inspired to somehow help people with MS in some way. (Maybe just a chat).
I "Hope" that anyone who has the ability to help with the fight against MS might put their shoulder to the wheel.
And I do "Hope" that the universe might today, whisper into the ear of one of the fantastic researchers the answers that they are seeking.

Peter.

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