The Who I Used to Be

Do you ever feel lonely in a room full of people? Do you ever wake up feeling great, and anticipate a good day with lots of accomplishments, only to find it blow up in your face before lunch? Are you ever affected by the sheer dread of having to leave the house? Are you full of questions that have no answers? Are you sick of people who have all the answers but have no idea what the questions are? I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

The shifting sands of this disease

The problem is the shifting sands of this disease. A truth one day may not be reliable the next. I guess it's true that old saying 'the only certainties in life are death and taxes' applies to everyone. But it’s different for us. Things that other people do off the cuff takes me days to prepare for, and at the last second I back out. I think over the past twenty-five years I’ve risen to the challenge more often than not. I've shown up with a smile plastered on my face many times when I would have rather stayed home. I'm tired of worrying about handicapped accessibility, of the location of the closest bathroom, of taking a header because I wore the wrong shoes.

Attempting to let go of guilt and the person I used to be

I have recently started seeing a therapist in an attempt to let go. I have to quit thinking backwards. I have to let go that I can’t be anyone's rock anymore. I'm sick of the guilt that comes with constant disappointments, the people I let down, the people that let me down. I can’t fix anything anymore, that go-to girl got up and went a long time ago. I recently turned sixty. I look at the person I used to be, and, damn I was good. I have two adult children with jobs, their own insurance, college educations, and neither of them live in my basement. I raised them to have optimism and hope, and not be afraid when things get tough. I raised them to have faith and be kind, to realize they may be the center of my world but not they are by no means the center of the universe. Boy, therapy dredges up a lot of stuff.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is that they won’t remember who I was. When they think of me will it be one who moved mountains or the me now. The uncertain, timid, hesitant, dependent, needy shell of me that sits in a recliner all day. Like I said, I need to let go. Just get a trash can and dump all the what if’s, what was, and what will be's in it and be done with it. I need to learn that the only certainty is right now, and who I used to be doesn’t matter. Just accept who I am today and stop thinking about the past.

I know I rambled on quite a bit, and I’m not sorry. So there. I'm learning.

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