Most days, life it is what it is. I am a “happy go lucky” roll with the punches kinda person. I have a great life. I have accepted this hell as my “normal”. However, there are other days I can’t help but mourn who I once was, mourn the functions and abilities I have lost. The feelings of being heartbroken and worthless can overwhelm me; the lump in my throat forms and the tears start to fall. I scold myself. “Knock it off”. “Crying is pointless”. “You’re better than this”.
I pack thoughts and emotions away like little acorns. “You know how hilariously stupid you look when you walk?” –put it in a cup. “You get to attend the kids’ graduations and weddings in a wheelchair; you’ll be a useless grandparent”. –put it in a cup. “Such a failure, why can’t you just knock this shit off? Left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg, lift, breathe, be careful now”. -Take a deep breath and just put it in a cup and move on.
These wretched, self-hating thoughts and many more cross my mind constantly, and I’m constantly throwing them into my inner “cup”. I don’t have the time, the want or the personality to throw a pity party in honor of my fricken “acorns”.
Next thing ya know I’m waddling around the kitchen cooking or cleaning, bouncing off of the counters, holding onto chairs and then I fall... again. My cup gets knocked over all my acorns roll out. All the self-scolding fails. It doesn’t matter. The tears are going to fall. *Confetti flies, Party hats on* Damn it. At that moment, I sit slumped on the floor like a wet noodle in defeat. I allow the tears to fall.
A person can only sob and blubber on for so long. My eyes start hurt, they feel like red wet golf balls poking out of my head, I’m full of snot. I’ve blown through a box of Kleenex and I’m still a mouth breather. Bleh!
I remove myself from the floor and I’m back on my 2 feet holding the counter (You know that can be a 5 minute struggle... I take a deep breath and “stand up the empty” cup. I smile. My “happy go lucky” life moves on.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?