JUST NOT FEELING IT
One of the many things MS has changed in me is my feeling of being 'connected'; to my family, friends, faith, grief and even my financial situation. I most often feel disconnected from all of these. I can remember how I should feel, but I don't.
I've spent a lot of time thinking I'm a bad person because of this. With the help of a brilliant psychiatrist, a supportive husband, and many, many, hours of talking with my compassionate sister, I finally believe it's not something lacking in me, it's the MS. But knowing it, and feeling it are two different things.
Usually, I stumble (sometimes literally) through my day, not consciously thinking I have MS. Although the physical toll is always apparent, again, there's a disconnect. It's only when I 'overdo' (which unfortunately is easily done) or do something that's well below my pre-MS standard, that I'm reminded I can no longer do the things I once could, or do them as well, or be completely pain-free.
Although I persist with my daily prayers, and still have conversations with God, I don't 'feel' Him like I used to. I miss that connection.
When I do get emotional, it's a big deal. A surprising sneak attack of anything from a peaceful happiness to debilitating grief. Anywhere from moments to days of 'feeling'.
I'm happy to feel happy again. I quite like feeling annoyed or ticked off at something. The grief of losing my parents is fresh, like it just happened - and leaves me yearning for the disconnect to return.
But mostly, I'd just like to feel connected again. To share the world around me. I miss it.
Do you live with any comorbidities aside from MS?