JUST NOT FEELING IT

One of the many things MS has changed in me is my feeling of being ‘connected’; to my family, friends, faith, grief and even my financial situation. I most often feel disconnected from all of these. I can remember how I should feel, but I don’t.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I’m a bad person because of this. With the help of a brilliant psychiatrist, a supportive husband, and many, many, hours of talking with my compassionate sister, I finally believe it’s not something lacking in me, it’s the MS. But knowing it, and feeling it are two different things.

Usually, I stumble (sometimes literally) through my day, not consciously thinking I have MS. Although the physical toll is always apparent, again, there’s a disconnect. It’s only when I ‘overdo’ (which unfortunately is easily done) or do something that’s well below my pre-MS standard, that I’m reminded I can no longer do the things I once could, or do them as well, or be completely pain-free.

Although I persist with my daily prayers, and still have conversations with God, I don’t ‘feel’ Him like I used to. I miss that connection.

When I do get emotional, it’s a big deal. A surprising sneak attack of anything from a peaceful happiness to debilitating grief. Anywhere from moments to days of ‘feeling’.

I’m happy to feel happy again. I quite like feeling annoyed or ticked off at something. The grief of losing my parents is fresh, like it just happened – and leaves me yearning for the disconnect to return.

But mostly, I’d just like to feel connected again. To share the world around me. I miss it.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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