Landslide

I read a lot on MS forums. I tried to write about my experiences a few times, but face it – if you have something to say about MS somebody has probably already said it more eloquently than I. But I had the strangest experience yesterday and I would like to acknowledge that it happened.

Rubik’s Cube of nonsense

I have been on Ocrevus for a year and it was MRI time and the doctor’s visit. I am at the point in my life where my age related issues are overlapping my MS issues in a Rubik’s Cube of nonsense. Bone pain from severe arthritis or is it nerve pain from MS? The medical community seems to enjoy playing ‘hot potato’ with my pain by attributing it to whatever specialty they are not. Does the spasticity get worse because of sciatica or does the sciatica aggravate the spasticity? Yes. My personal life is stable and am lucky to have a spouse who cares, but we fight constantly and when it gets heated he dismisses the the discussion as related to my brain being screwed up from having MS so I don’t know what I’m talking about, which angers me further. Plus, my next birthday is the big 6-0 and to be honest I never thought much about being an old lady with MS, but guess who is an old lady with MS?

In the silence, I hear Stevie Nicks

Anyway, I get set up and go to the tube, and the tech gives me headphones to listen to music while getting the test done. So as I lay on my back I start to hurt real bad, my bones aching and trigger points in my shoulder start hurting, and then the spasm in my leg starts to seize. I am trying to rise above this mentally to get me through the test and I realize there is no music. I thought about saying something but I didn’t bother.

The machine is rat tat tatting away and I start to get overwhelmed by it all. I hear a little static through the headphones and say to myself oh, good, the music is on. Well, as the machine stops the noise as it sets up for the next scan I hear Fleetwood Mac and the song Landslide and in the silence I hear Stevie Nicks clear as a bell sing the verse: Can I sail through the ocean’s changing tides / can I live through the seasons of my life?

And the tears start coming because that’s where I am in my life: Can I do this? Will I be able to do this? WTF?

What’s wrong

They pull out of the tube to inject the contrast, and the tech looks at my tear stained face and asked what’s wrong, and I just said, “Fleetwood Mac,” and she gives me a box of tissues. I then endure three needle sticks until they can find a vein to inject the contrast. Back into the tube I go to finish the test, all the while wondering: will a landslide bring me down?

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