Losing Pieces of Me

By 55dab

1 min read

MS has affected my cognitive abilities. I hate it. I used to be really smart, but not so much anymore. I can’t even follow easy instructions.

Losing pieces of me

Simple things have become hard to accomplish. Wondering how something works bothers me. My short term memory is terrible. I am very depressed and at times, suicidal. Pot is the only thing that makes me feel halfway OK.

Each day, pieces of whatever makes me me, falls away. I’m tired of denying myself because tomorrow I might not be able to do it. I won’t even talk about sex.

My mother and my grandfather check in on me. They are dead, but I can feel their presence. I’m probably crazy. That wouldn’t surprise me though. There are so many more things that I could mention like balance and mobility. But hey, I can still walk; just not too good. Embarrassingly, I have three canes and a walker.

I can't, I can't, I can't

I can’t get words out at times. I can’t answer questions quickly. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I was diagnosed 7 years ago. From the size of my lesions, I probably contracted MS when I was 38 or 39. I’m 64 now and l lead a difficult life. My family loves me. My wife does so much for me and I’m not always nice. I need to be but my emotions are all over the place. My work was my life but it is gone, too, and has been for years. I would like to work again. But I know that I couldn’t. Things I used to be obsessive about, I am now obsessive-compulsive. I’m tired of writing. Am I alone?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The MultipleSclerosis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

colette4 Member
MS affected my cognitive abilities too. I hate it, I'm frustrated that I have so much trouble doing easy things. I was a volunteer, basically doing what I did my whole life, and when they explained things to me, I understood it, sure I know how to do that. Of course, when they left me alone to finish the project, I got stuck and had to ask for help. 
1. Janus Galante Moderator
 vvxjr9, you have every right to hate it and to be frustrated! When someone explains something to me, or even if I have it written and it's right in front of me, I find myself having to look at it several times to make sure I got it "right." Or have them repeat themselves several times over. It IS frustrating! One of the things I'm quickly learning, is it's okay to ask for help AND I'm even beginning to learn not to feel guilty about it! Thanks for your post!
Janus Galante Moderator
55dab, thank you for sharing this story with all of us. I'm so sorry that all of these thoughts and emotions are plaguing you. I know it can be so overwhelming sometimes to the point of feeling so helpless, but I want you to know that you are NOT alone! There are so many of us that go through the same struggle, the same fight, but we're fighting this thing TOGETHER! You said you have a wife and family who loves you. Lean on them, talk to them from your heart if you haven't already. Your story that you put together here, was so poignant, and will speak to many in the community. I want to include some links for you: <a href='https://mymsaa.org/msaa-help/helpline-chat/' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://mymsaa.org/msaa-help/helpline-chat/</a> <a href='https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Resources-Support/Find-Support/Connect-with-Peers-One-on-One' target='_blank' rel='noopener noreferrer ugc'>https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Resources-Support/Find-Support/Connect-with-Peers-One-on-One</a> Please don't EVER hesitate to reach out and just talk to someone! That's what we are all here for, and just remember...you aren't alone in this!! xxxx's Janus
f5hwo4 Member
I use to be a avid reader and I graduated from college with honors but I have to reread a e-mail three times before I send it. I have a lot of strange words inserted in the message and I have to weed them out. Reading requires too much concentration so that it out. I am glad you have your mother and grandfather hanging around. I have two aunts who died from MS and a dozen other family members who died of ALS. I can feel them trying to help me cope with my MS and I thank them all of the time. Apologize to your wife, you don't need to wait for a blowout. Just take her aside and tell her how you feel about her. My husband and I use to remodel houses, when things would go wrong my husband would start taking it out on me. As long as he apologized at the end of the day I would forgive his rants. Potter
1. Janus Galante Moderator
 Thank you so much Potter for your reply to this story. It is frustrating to think of the things that once came easily, that now are next to impossible. Thanks again for the input, it will help to encourage many here! Janus
heaven-9 Member
This speaks to me. So, so much.?
lily Member
You are not alone, I can tell you that. My very first complaint to my doctor was "I don't feel on top of my game." I knew something was off. I've learned that it's something with my cognitive processes. I feel smart because of all I know. But I don't feel smart when it comes to learning new things. I try to keep learning new things, but it feels like Groundhog Day. I'm not sure if I'm learning anything, even at a slower pace, or am I just learning the same thing day after day.
doll1976 Member
You are not alone! This is me too. I'm 42 and I used to be smart and witty. Now I can't concentrate long enough to fill simple instructions. People I've known for years I can't remember their names. I can't follow along with conversations! I'm not stupid but I feel like I am or that people think I am! Ughhhh take care xo
1. Janus Galante Moderator
 Hi doll 1976, thank you for your reassuring words. When you let one person know that they are not alone, you are letting everyone who reads that, that they are not alone! Trying to concentrate and follow conversations can be very trying. I definitely hear you and understand. I am still trying to remember a lady's name that I've known for a long time. I just saw her again yesterday and couldn't think of it! All the very best, Janus
denver44 Member
Was diagnosed in 1981. Did pretty good with work and traveling. Am 75 now and the last few years have gone down rapidly. Balance hasn't been great for years but now it sucks. Walking also. Just came home from Las Vegas and had to use a walker all the time for the 1st time. My Dr says secondary progressive ms. Understand completely about memory problems also. Never was great but now it's aggravating all the time. My sister and grandmother had me and my daughter also hasbit. I remember when I was diagnosed they said not inherited. Don't believe that.

Community Poll

Did you know that you can create a status update on our site?