I'm not the person I once was.

By kimberlybthatsme

2 min read

Before my diagnosis of MS my life was so different (as I'm sure most of us in this community can say the same).

Raised to be tough

I'm positive I've had MS way before I was finally diagnosed in 2016 but even then I was a different person. I was brought up that no matter what you sucked it up and carried on.

I worked a lot in my lifetime. I was a single mom for a while and still held down two jobs and kept up with my son (most days). I can remember prior to my son being born I was fatigued. It would hit me out of no where and some times it would last a few weeks and some times a few days, but I worked through it, and carried on.

After my son was born I would get fatigued or feel weird, have a bout of vertigo or dizziness but shook it off and kept going.

Things got really bad

I had a mylagram in my 30's and the hole never closed (doc didn't tell me about that being a possibility) so I was leaking spinal fluid for almost a week and didn't know it. It was so bad that I couldn't sit up without throwing up, yet I still tried to drive to work...I made it to the stop sign of my street and knew something was wrong and ended up in the ER (point being I was just going to suck it up and go to work).

I finally started going to the doctors in my mid 30's because I was getting worse, yet all the doctors called me crazy. It wasn't until I was 47 that I was finally diagnosed with MS.

My former self

The person I once was, the one with the strongest work ethic known to man. The person who would shake anything off and keep going. The one who would ignore the worst pain there was and carry on...that person no longer exists.

The person before you now won't make plans because she is afraid she will have to cancel on you. She won't do the usual clothes shopping and running around like most women her age because she is afraid of the pain it will cause or a fall she might have. She won't make plans to go out to dinner or even grocery shop unless it's on line and can just go pick it up. She can't be counted on for favors, fun times, trips with her mom or walking the dog. I am no longer that person.

My new reality

Everyone seems to say..."I may have MS but MS doesn't have me!" Well, MS does have me and it took so much from me that I am not the person I once was. I don't even mean that as far as physical (although that is a big part) but the mental me that use to exist is gone.

After 5 years, some days I am ok with that...other days, not so much. I am still getting use to not making it to my birthday parties, game nights with friends or hopping on a plane, not working, not socializing or even getting my nails done. Some days are harder than others but every day it seems to get a little easier on me as far as coming to terms with it. But I definitely am not the person I once was.

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Lori Foster Member
Hi <inline-mention user-id="3958502" username="kimberlybthatsme"/>
1. Lori Foster Member
 Hi @Kimberlybthatsme. I have moved around a lot myself, so I understand how difficult it can be to make friends. I have always had young kids in tow and at least a part-time job though, so that was helpful. I automatically had something in common with others. I can't imagine how difficult it must be in your situation. Do you have a local library? When things open up again, would you consider joining a local book club? Even if you are not an avid reader, that can be a wonderful way to make friends. Libraries often have other programs you can attend whenever you feel up to it. - Lori (Team Member)
2. kimberlybthatsme Member
 I do, somewhere...lol, I think, I'm sure. I did belong to an MS group but I kept cancelling on the meetings and then the world stopped. I do scrapbook and started my own scrapbook private group on MEWE. I interact with ladies in the group and one of us evens live scraps at least once a week so that def helps. It's something I got into because I do it at home and when I don't or can't feel like doing it...no pressure except to post to see everyone's creations. I think that will probably be the extent of my life. That and taking care of my dog who is in worse shape than I am...he can only do walks every so often so it works out for us both. Not to be an a*s but when Covid hit and everyone had to stay home it was a bit of Karmic comedy for me and now gives me (or all chronic ill people who HAS to stay home) the ammo to say, yeah this is fun, just like the stay home part Covid was for you! I think we all go through ups and downs after being diagnosed (or not diagnosed but know and are disabled even if a doc won't say the words). I also think these ups and downs will be chronic as well...it's just how we handle the down part that matters. Lots of stuff going on right now with the passing of my dad (we were super close) and a lot of just life stuff, I'm just in a down moment. I'm sure I will handle it as I have all the other down moments and get through it. As my pop would say, "There is no such thing as a problem. There are only circumstances and options. Select the option that will help you the most or hurt you the least, and move on" - Paul T. Pelzer And that is what I will be doing...thanks so much for always reaching out to me and everyone in the community, it means a lot to me
Laura Kolaczkowski Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="kimberlybthatsme" user-id="3958502"/> , so much you write I can identify with when you talk about just pushing through. When I finally got my diagnosis at the age of 54, the prior 20 years of fatigue (isn't everyone tired?), balance problems (who isn't clumsy?) and other symptoms that I just ignored, became clear beacons of MS. The past two years of pandemic life sure haven't been of help to our habits, either. I'm much more content to stay home, stay well, and let the world pass me by. I hope for both of us that 2022 changes it up! best, Laura, MSnet moderator

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