Have you met my friend...MS?
Ive had ms for 12 yrs...12 long years! I only started getting really sick 6 yrs ago & eventually, after numerous relapses I had to give up work.
In that time, friends have come & gone (except my 2 best friends..they are without a doubt..fantastic..thank god!) & I started to realise that it was because of my ms.
I worked out there were a few factors behind the cause of this:
- Too ill or fatigued to go out
- Not enough money to go on nights out
- People didn't know what to say around me
- Stopped being asked out as they assumed I wouldn't be able to go anyway
- Too much bother to have a disabled friend
So basically ms lost me friends. I know you'll say 'Well they weren't friends to begin with if they treated you like that' but absence makes for a forgotten friend & I don't blame them all.
So 6 yrs down the line & having left behind a great job, prospects, plans for the future and many friends, it's just my son, my husband, my 2 best friends & my little sis-in-law. There are some friends that I see a few times a year but that's basically it.
My ms has wrapped its arms around me and whispered in my ear 'I'll never leave you, I'll always be here'. And my constant friend will. It will be there to keep me awake in the middle of the night, to grip my legs and make them throb, to run its icy touch down the nerves in my tired hands, to lay its hand on my weary head & give me the mother of all headaches, to be preoccupied with something else & not allow my bladder to concentrate fully on the job at hand and to decide it's sleepy and done for the day...when I've only been awake for half an hour.
So I've learned to embrace my unfortunate friend. I've learned to accept that its with me forever and wont ever leave. I would love to say I no longer feel afraid or anxious of the future. I would love to say I feel positive and strong 24/7. But I can't. Because I don't. What I do feel however is, content. I know that may sound odd but I've accepted I've changed. Ive accepted that my life is not what Id intended but what I've been given.
I had an appointment with my Neurologist yesterday and she mentioned that she thinks I may be dipping into 'Secondary Progressive' territory. If that speech had been given to me 6 or 7 years ago I think I would have fell to pieces but it really didn't phase me. It is what it is & it's never going to change or leave me, so I have to meet it head on & let it know who's boss. Somedays it's me...somedays it's in charge..but together, my friend & I will push on through.
Do you celebrate your MS Anniversary?