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Mommy, You won’t hurt in heaven, will you?

I am 22-year old single mom of an energetic 5-year old boy and I was diagnosed with MS in may 2013. The words Multiple Sclerosis didn’t process for a few weeks I just kept thinking, ‘yah right!’ But after researching symptoms I realized I’d had this for many years.

After a bad car accident at 19 I started feeling a shocking sensation going down my spine when I touched my chin to my neck. Now being 22 I find my symptoms have worsened since 19. I get migraines in the back of my head. And when these happen I normally vomit from pain and my left eye will start to fog for at least ten minutes. Sometimes I get fatigue so bad in the morning it feels like bricks weighing my head down its this overwhelming feeling that I want to do a million and one things but I can’t stay off my bed. I also sometimes get shooting pains in my legs. On my good days I find that I’m off balance (tippy) I’m basically a walking accident. My family use to love this about me but knowing now I have MS they don’t call me “Grace” anymore!

I’ve been struggling with my medicaid insurance since I’ve been diagnosed, so I’ve yet to receive treatments. Medicaid cancelled me the second I was diagnosed, why I don’t know considering I’m more than eligible. But here I sit everyday passing wishing someone could reach out and help me. I feel like I’m putting my family through hell with no medication and my stress levels, but I refuse to let MS consume me, I refuse for my son who deserves a healthy mom. Next time he asks me “mommy you won’t hurt in heaven will you” I hope I can smile instead of cry.

It may take time but I will come to terms with this.

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Comments

  • Shawna author
    6 years ago

    I actually wrote that at least three to four weeks ago if my comment “since I wrote this” confuses you because it says posted October 9th.

  • Shawna author
    6 years ago

    Thank you so much for the encouragement. Since I’ve wrote that I decided to take control of my life and everything Im responsible for. I took serious actions on my sons bad choices at school, I enrolled myself into college to earn a degree in human services, I also joined a MS support group. I’m turning 23 this month and with the progress I’ve made, thinking about my future now isn’t as scary. Being positive no matter the situation works wonders 🙂

    Also the Medicaid themselves didn’t cancel me it was actually my local DHS. I hope it was just ironic my case worker cancelled me after my diagnosis but I’ve had medicaid 5 years and this is the first cancellation. Honestly I still have no idea why but I do know after she cancelled me I requested a hearing and she told me to decline it and put in a new application. Which I recently found out meant I was keeping her out of trouble for canceling me for this unknown reason. The last time I talked to her 2 months ago she denied having said this and she and her supervisor have not returned my calls since. I’ve been going through direct Medicaid to get this resolved now. Progress, progress!!! I don’t know if I’ll ever know exactly why i was cancelled but as long as I get it back soon no worries.

  • laura
    6 years ago

    First of all hon how in the world can medicaid drop you because you have ms!!!!! That just irate me to no end they cant do that I would call state thats what my husband did when we had trouble getting my shots!!! My heart and prayers are with you!! I also have trouble staying out of bed feels like im in bed more then I am out of bed!! Hang in there and trust in God and if u need to talk im here!!

  • Blissful
    6 years ago

    I totally understand I have two children, they want mommy to be the mommy before the MS. On the bad days which is everyday I just do what I can. If I’m stuck in bed then I have my kids go in there with me. We have to stay strong !! I know it is a struggle but we can do it!! Take care.

  • kimber
    6 years ago

    I feel the same way! How do you not hurt the family. But what I do is do what I can and always remind my children that I love them. I may not be able to play ball. But I can watch. I may not be able to swim with you but I’ll take you. Just being there sometimes is better than not being there. So, dry those tears and remember pain or not you two are still together. As my mom says it could be worse. I think you should look depend inside and find good in every day that you are alive. I will continue to keep you in prayer and hope that you will make it through each day.

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