My MS Affair

I have been married 31 years, 25 of them living with MS. It’s been a regular life, children, job changes, loved ones passing, and everyday people who drift in and out. I look at other people who have evolved into different lives, getting new kitchens, couch potatoes who now run marathons, friends who still love me but don’t come around as much anymore because they just are busy. The only constant has been my husband and my disease.

Some days I feel like I’m cheating on my husband, but not with another man. I spent my time thinking about MS. How to accommodate it and being a good spouse. Choices I had to make that didn’t involve him, and when he is involved I get distracted from other my other partner and that has lead to some really spectacular falls. He wanted a truck so he bought a truck. I was cool with that, he’s a truck kinda guy. But he never considered the fact that I can’t get in the truck. I knew it, but didn’t want to kill his buzz. I had to bring it up, and his response is the same as it always is: don’t worry, I’ll help you.

But I’m tired of him helping me. It’s always been my nature to start strong, and if I crash and burn, well hey, anybody bring marshmallows? I keep fighting to hang on to what abilities I have, but he would rather I just give in and make things easier. He’s burnt out and I can’t blame him. I try to minimize things and he feels I do it deliberately. I do. Even though the kids are gone, it will never be an empty nest.

I recently had a non MS related doctor’s appointment. And instead of trying to find a ride or make him use his vacation time to bring me, I called an Uber. I wasn’t sure how my walker would factor into the process, but figured I would work it out. And I did. I called an Uber to get home. When he came home after work I said guess what I did today and told him of my adventure. His response? Good for you, but I’m glad you didn’t tell me. I wouldn’t have let you go by yourself.

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Comments

View Comments (8)
  • SuzyF.
    1 year ago

    Dearest ASAPcindy, I REALLY know how you feel. My husband spends MOST of his precious (he works in retail and is on his feet 8 hours every day) days off just taking me to shop, get meds or visit my many doctors. (I have MS, IBS and now scoliosis where my spine is curved so I must also wear a back brace, not to mention those “brutal” (no other word fits) “hot flashes”) I too find myself waiting until he gets home to mend/fix what I’ve broken, if possible, as he TRIES to solve the rest of my problems – that “guy thing”, you know. I feel so very grateful for his love and compassion. You know there have been more than a few divorces when a spouse is diagnosed.

  • JDeabler
    1 year ago

    You go girl!! Bravo! You sound so much like me especially wanting to maintain some sense of independence from your guy. You don’t want to be just your illness-good for you! Tell me, how proud of yourself were you? High five!!

  • grizz951
    1 year ago

    Lady I care for greatly has MS and reading your story sounds a lot like her. I think as men we just feel that we should be able to fix everything which can then be taken as controlling I guess. I am sure he was proud of you for handling the situation on your own.

  • DonnaFA moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi Grizz951 – Thanks for sharing your thoughts and support. We’re here for caregivers, too! I think you’re absolutely right, guys definitely want to fix things. Even hen thigs can’t “be fixed” that unconditional support that only you can give, is the most meaningful thing in the world. Have you visited our caregiver’s forum?. We’re glad you’re here! -Warmly, Donna (MultipleSclerosis.net team)

  • DonnaFA moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi grizz951 – Thank you so much, A very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year to you as well! -Warmly, Donna (MultipleSclerosis.net team)

  • grizz951
    1 year ago

    Thanks for the comment and I hadn’t visited the care givers forum but I will. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you.

  • potter
    1 year ago

    I know how you feel, I can still get around and drive but I have a lot of honey do’s when he gets home from work. Can you reach this for me or open this jar and I broke this today can you fix it. I try to do as much as I can by myself just to lighten the burden on him. I also encourage him to have a boys night out as often as possible, this seems to lighten his mood. Potter

  • DonnaFA moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi ASAPcindy. It is difficult having a third party in your marriage, but relationships are hard on their own. Our own Ashley wrote an awesome article about her married life with MS.

    I bet odds are if you asked your husband, he would tell you that he was proud of you for your adventure. and that knee-jerk to want to protect – it’s a guy thing 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your story, we’re glad you’re here! – Warmly, Donna (

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