My MS Affair

I have been married 31 years, 25 of them living with MS. It’s been a regular life, children, job changes, loved ones passing, and everyday people who drift in and out. I look at other people who have evolved into different lives, getting new kitchens, couch potatoes who now run marathons, friends who still love me but don’t come around as much anymore because they just are busy. The only constant has been my husband and my disease.

Some days I feel like I’m cheating on my husband, but not with another man. I spent my time thinking about MS. How to accommodate it and being a good spouse. Choices I had to make that didn’t involve him, and when he is involved I get distracted from other my other partner and that has lead to some really spectacular falls. He wanted a truck so he bought a truck. I was cool with that, he’s a truck kinda guy. But he never considered the fact that I can’t get in the truck. I knew it, but didn’t want to kill his buzz. I had to bring it up, and his response is the same as it always is: don’t worry, I’ll help you.

But I’m tired of him helping me. It’s always been my nature to start strong, and if I crash and burn, well hey, anybody bring marshmallows? I keep fighting to hang on to what abilities I have, but he would rather I just give in and make things easier. He’s burnt out and I can’t blame him. I try to minimize things and he feels I do it deliberately. I do. Even though the kids are gone, it will never be an empty nest.

I recently had a non MS related doctor’s appointment. And instead of trying to find a ride or make him use his vacation time to bring me, I called an Uber. I wasn’t sure how my walker would factor into the process, but figured I would work it out. And I did. I called an Uber to get home. When he came home after work I said guess what I did today and told him of my adventure. His response? Good for you, but I’m glad you didn’t tell me. I wouldn’t have let you go by yourself.

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