Out of Rainbows

I used to be the person that could find a rainbow in any given situation. It actually was annoying to those closest to me. However, when MS reared its ugly head, the rainbows vanished. I was diagnosed at the age of 50 but I can remember the symptoms as far back as my mid 30s. They were easier to ignore then. I would have days that I could not get of bed, or at least I did not want to. Somehow I could push through it. I had an active lifestyle. I worked 10 hour days plus owned a small equine facility. I just punched through the exhaustion not realizing at the time I had a demyelinating disease. Then it happened. All of a sudden I could not form words or have clear thoughts. I could not care for my horses without almost passing out. I had to stop riding because the pain was horrible in my legs. The numbness and tingling and tremors could not be ignored. So I chased another rainbow. I sold my horses and took a lower paying job. A 100 percent desk job. Just me and my computer all day. I did not have to worry about the speech problem or the poor mobility. Every thing was fine or so I thought. One day I signed on my work computer to process the same type claims I had done for a year. Much to my surprise, I could not recognize my own computer screen. My brain just could not cope with what I was seeing. By this time I am 50. Thinking I am having a stroke I went to the ER. This lead up to my diagnosis of MS at the age of 52. Now I cannot think clear. I walk with the aid of a cane. I never have a good day. I even have help writing this post. I have had to stop working. I’m trying hard to find one of my rainbows.

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Comments

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  • Erin Rush moderator
    11 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your story, MissT. I am so sorry you feel out of rainbows. Please know you are not alone in this. I know that many of our members have shared similar sentiments. I thought you might relate to this piece (and the comments that follow) by one of our contributors — https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/purpose-having-a-hard-time-finding-meaning-in-life/comment-page-1/#comments. MS does seem to have a “take no prisoners” mentality at times. Just when you learn to adjust to life with MS, another issue gets thrown into the mix and you have to re-adjust all over again. That is frustrating and draining, to say the least.

    I hope you are able to find a new rainbow this year. You sound like a very smart, capable woman. MS can take a lot, but it cannot take the core of who you are. May you find something that makes you smile each day, no matter how small.

    Thank you again for sharing. While I am sorry you have MS, I am glad you have found this community!

    Best, Erin, MultipleSclerosis.net Team Member.

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